This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

Effective immediately, Trinity students are required to use a minimum of 450 swipes per semester at Mabee Dining Hall, equivalent to eating three Mabee meals per day. If a student misses their Mabee quota, they will be fined $100 for each swipe they have left.

Trinity’s director of Dining, E.T. Moore, hopes the change will encourage students to eat at Mabee. He said he does not understand Mabee’s lack of appeal, and punishing students will ensure the dining hall is sufficiently used.

“I love Mabee. I don’t eat there, but that’s only because I want to save food for the students,” Moore said. “Students should see how lucky they are. Mabee has good food, we always have cereal and asparagus. What more could a student who pays $2,000 a semester for food want?”

Moore explained the change will apply to all students, including senior students living off campus. He explained that this ensures students are all getting a balanced diet, even when they are not at Trinity physically.

“We want 22-year-olds eating the same as 18-year-olds,” Moore said. “It’s not because the university wants more money, it’s about promoting equality on campus. Not forcing seniors to buy meal plans promotes ageism, and Mabee Dining Hall should stand for equality.”

Student responses have been mixed. A frequent user of Mabee Dining Hall, Hendrick Hanson, junior calculator major, says the change will not be hard for him to adjust to. As a member of the football team and a Bangel Dancer, he says he is already constantly at Mabee.

“Mabee is okay. I easily use 450 swipes per year, so I am not worried about being fined,” Hanson said. “My favorite Mabee meal is a big pile of chicken and rice. It’s great for bulking cheaply. I do not think everybody will love the change, but they can donate their extra swipes to me.”

Kris Ton, senior unemployed major, said she has never enjoyed Mabee and will not enjoy eating there again. She described numerous negative experiences at Mabee and objected to the decision to create a swipes quota.

“One time at Mabee, I saw a guy eat straight out of the communal tub of yogurt. Why should I have to pay extra to experience things like this?” Ton said. “I like to say, ‘Mabee it’s food, Mabee it’s not.’ One time, I took a bite out of an apple and realized it was plastic. Who does that?”

Ton said that she thinks Trinity Dining will soon realize its errors. She does not think Mabee has the facilities or ability to sustain so many students eating three meals a day.

“No way those Mabee bathrooms will support that much food,” Ton said. “Speaking from experience, when you have to use the bathroom at Mabee, it is typically not a want, but a need. I think just a few weeks under this new policy it will be over. No one makes enough money to give those bathrooms the cleaning they will surely need.”