This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
This past Tuesday, March 31, Trinity announced a new missile program for trap and skeet shooting. Trinity implemented the program with hopes of netting better results for the trap and skeet teams, but it may come with some unintended consequences. SGA brought up several pressing concerns, among which are property damage, annual funding, and overall safety for people in the area.
“This was certainly unexpected,” Happy Nipple, president of SGA, said. “I don’t know how much thought the university put into the safety of our students, or the potential damages we may experience as a result of this new program. There were better ideas out there.”
While SGA was displeased with the missile program, the university took a decidedly different tone, showing excitement to join with their new partner, the federal government.
“We are thrilled to announce the first partnership with the U.S. government in this university’s long history,” Trinity president Banessa Veasley said. “This new partnership promises both a strong trap and skeet shooting season, along with a new direction for the university.”
The US government and the university will both pitch in billions of dollars to make the program happen, splitting the bill equally. Major news sources are still investigating to confirm whether the university has enough money to support this endeavor.
As usual, trap and skeet shooting will practice and play off campus. However, the range they have used in previous years cannot support the firepower the team now has. The government has agreed to host the team in an undisclosed location.
“It’s a lot of hours,” said senior Brock Willis, who has participated in Trinity’s trap and skeet team all four years. “It’s a really long bus ride, and you can’t do any work because they blindfold you on the way there. We don’t even know where we practice.”
While no one officially knows where the Tigers practice, Google Earth shows a massive crater in southern Oklahoma that may point in the right direction. The missile program has been successful, as the team is ranked number one in the country and has already earned a number of victories by forfeit.
SGA, parents, and other members of the university community are working on a formal complaint about the program. However, all indications are the program is here to stay.
