This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
On April 1, Trinity’s athletic director Kob Bing rolled out a policy that stunned the NCAA community. Trinity will be permitting athletic doping, effective immediately and even retroactively.
“This has been a hard-fought battle that used up a lot of our resources. I mean, bribes are really not cheap. But quite frankly, if I don’t see some national championship banners soon, my will to live will be plummeting in the near future,” Bing said with a smile plastered on his face and unmitigated pain in his eyes.
This policy truly has no limits, as demonstrated during women’s soccer’s recent trip to Argentina. After defeating professional club Boca Juniors 45-0, defender Jaleas Caesar had no shortage of thoughts, and she stated them significantly more rapidly than usual.
“I mean the steroids and whatnot made sense, but I was a little bit skeptical at the prospect of smoking crystal meth during the game,” Caesar said. “But I guess it’s hard to argue with results. I mean, they originally just had their reserves out there, but then they had to send in their stars. There was just nothing they could do.”
The baseball team has seen similar results. After hitting a home run that went so far it broke a window on the eighth floor of Bruce Thomas Hall, senior outfielder Baddox Wendy seemed optimistic about the future.
“Coming in as a transfer last year, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have time to make a big impact on the program here,” Wendy said. “But this new policy is really working wonders for me. I mean we probably could’ve clobbered Austin College either way, but it was pretty funny how they were crying afterwards.”
Given that all Trinity teams have gone undefeated since this initiative, it seems as though the policy is here to stay. According to Kob Bing, this is sure to have profound ramifications professionally and personally.
“Maybe if I can convince the NCAA to completely cut St. Thomas’ funding, this void inside me will go away,” Bing said before breaking into sobs.
