This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
Trinity has taken the NCAA and Trump administration’s stance further, banning all female athletes over 5-foot-5, 195 lbs, or 55 ng/dL from athletic competitions.
On Wednesday, March 19, Trinity announced in a controversial email that it would comply with the NCAA and Trump administration’s policy on trans athletes in female sports. However, after internal discussions, the Tiger athletic department determined this was insufficient.
“We were struck by the policy’s goal of ensuring women’s safety in athletics,” Athletic Director Kob Bing said. “When we looked at the data, we found more we could do to protect our women.”
The policy takes effect immediately, forcing all banned athletes to compete in the men’s division, citing their build and testosterone levels as “more male-like.”
UPDATE: Still not safe enough for the Tiger women
Trinity’s commitment to the safety of female athletes continues, as the athletic department has now announced the end of all contact sports for female athletes.
The university previously banned many participants from female sports, but research has uncovered that female sports are still nowhere near safe enough.
“Our ultimate goal is safety,” Bing said. “We uncovered that despite banning anyone even resembling a man from competition, injuries persisted in female athletics.”
Trinity has cut funding from women’s soccer and basketball following this policy change. The university’s official stance is that contact sports are simply too risky and injury-inducing for its fragile female athletes.
UPDATE: Don’t forget the guys
Trinity’s commitment to safety in athletics has taken an unexpected turn, as the university has now banned all contact sports, regardless of gender.
After cutting funding to women’s basketball and soccer, the Trinity athletic department was faced with a new question.
“If our goal is safety, why are we only focusing on one gender?” Bing said. “Once this question was posed, there was no denying the numbers.”
Trinity has now ended funding for men’s soccer and basketball, again citing the high risk of injury inherent in contact sports. Notably, the university has not cut funding to the football program. When asked about this decision, a university official silently slid a hundred-dollar bill across the table. I had no further questions.
UPDATE: A reality of the past
In what at this point was a completely unsurprising turn of events, Trinity has announced plans to transition all of its athletic programs, except football, to virtual reality.
“Baseball and softball players were getting hit by pitches and golfers by long drives,” Bing said. “Our tennis players’ joints couldn’t take all those cuts; our volleyball players were getting pummeled by spikes; our swimmers were at risk of hitting their heads on the bottom; and our runners were always pulling muscles. I mean, we have Jack Pierson out here throwing javelins around. Something had to change!”
Effective immediately, all sports will be played with headsets and controllers. All excess movement will result in immediate suspension from competition.
UPDATE: Facing the real dangers of virtual reality
With student safety continuing to be an issue in the athletic world, Trinity has officially ended its longstanding ties to sports.
The university board came together and unanimously decided that the risk-reward dynamic of the athletics department was no longer worth it.
“Kob Bing clearly was not taking his job seriously,” Trinity President Banessa Veasely said. “Our students were falling constantly in their VR headsets, and the strain on their eyes was unacceptable.”
The end of the athletic department may come as a shock, but at long last, it puts to bed a plethora of safety concerns and this ridiculous string of constant policy changes.
UPDATE: Not stopping at sports
I was wrong. Trinity has further extended its string of safety-related policy changes, as it has found that its safety concerns stretched far beyond its athletic department.
“Our commitment to student safety has no limit,” Veasley said. “We will not rest until all 262 of our remaining students can feel confident in their health on our campus.”
The new policy changes include bubble wrapping every corner on campus, barricading every stairwell, closing CSI, banning cars on campus, buying Hildebrand Avenue, and demolishing Mabee Dining Hall. At least that last change is OK.
UPDATE: Trinity closes in a chamber of reflection
After a long, hard look in the mirror, Trinity has announced its permanent closure.
“Higher education itself is just far too dangerous,” former Trinity President Veasley said. “Stress levels were just too high, and depression and anxiety are truly the most dangerous things we face. We could no longer ignore the role we played.”
The closure takes place effective immediately. That is for every part of the university except the football team, which has somehow been allowed to continue its tenure in the NCAA and the SAA. My wallet has no further questions.
