This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
It’s a vulture! It’s a group of obnoxious first-years! No! It’s Beze Underground!
The secret’s out! Beze Underground is not the dirty, nasty, gross, place-you-avoid-at-all-costs “hang-out” spot, it’s home to the littest club in San Antonio.
Various popular artists perform in Beze’s basement, bringing speakers, DJ equipment, and strobe lights. But this time around, they made one fatal flaw: They left the door open. Neon lights, loud music, and a flock of students rushing to the trenches below Beze attracted lots of attention, and suddenly, a line reached out the door.
“It was a fantastic sight! For so long I thought it was this dirty cave where horny freshmen go to hookup, but boy was I wrong!” Harry Butte, junior cave-dwelling major, said.
Leeroy, the club’s bouncer, expressed how intense the night had become.
“There was an overwhelming amount of people attending the rave, I was sweating through my suit … I mean real-ass fur,” LeeRoy said. “Who knew that there were so many party girls and deans at Trinity? I swear I saw the VP of Student Affairs twerking on the wall.”
The visiting artists, such as Bladee, A.G. Cook, and more, each took turns performing until sunrise. Addison Rae and Charli XCX danced amongst the crowd before slaying a live performance of their hit track, ‘Von Dutch remix.’
Natalie Clart, first-year viticulture major, witnessed the electrifying concert from her dorm window before she joined in.
“The lights were keeping me up, and I was intrigued as to what the bumping sound was,” Clart said. “I was gagged when I saw my Calc 3 peer tutor death-dropping to Von Dutch. I had to hop in, girl.”
According to anonymous sources, Clart cut the line and ran past LeeRoy straight to the dancefloor. Clart recounted the good vibes of the rave.
“I was astounded! Beze turned into a freaking Boiler Room!” Clart said. “I felt the rush. It was popping.”
Kath McKinnley, first-year Appalachian studies major, also joined in on the bumping party.
“It was so fun to go queen out with all my besties and the Hyperpop icons,” McKinnley said. “Charli brought all of her squad! I got autographs from Gabriette and Alex Consani!”
In addition, Vectón Vatson, senior basket-weaving major, went spring-breakers at Beze. He loved getting to meet his icon, 2Hollis.
“Unfortunately, my friend and I missed the 2Hollis show the other day,” Vatson said. “I was truly grateful to see him perform. He’s so opium, and he’s the face of hyperpop.”
