On the standardized writing tests we were Â forced to take throughout grade school, we were always expected to write about ourselves, to which I would always default to something stupid and outlandish. Â In eleventh grade for the Texas standardized writing test, I wrote about an extensive addiction to illegal substances. Â I have never been addicted to anything in my life, save for maybe videogames and definitely Neopets. Â I am a liar.
I am a liar, yet when I wake up late and miss my 8:30 class, I canâ€™t bring myself to lie. Â My excuses for missing classes range from â€œI am a stupid dumbâ€ to â€œI had fierce diarrhea, sorry,â€ which technically are lies, but all of them lead back to me calling myself a â€˜dishonorable scumâ€™ and offering my apologies for missing the class. Â The worst part? Â Iâ€™m completely sincere about it. Â I feel horrible for missing classes because I sleep in. Â Itâ€™s the worst feeling.
It was my favorite class, too. Â Why oh why did it have to be at 8:30 in the morning? Â Why could I not seem to wake up in time for my favorite class? Â Easy. Â I was up until 2 a.m. playing Neopets, because 2 a.m. in my time is midnight Neopets time, and I wanted to do my dailies. Â Wow, that sounds a lot more pathetic in words than it did in my head, but whatever. Â Itâ€™s the truth.
That was two years ago, and I didnâ€™t know what the heck I was doing, and I still donâ€™t. Â College doesnâ€™t really help you figure those things out even though everyone says it does. Â Well, maybe it helps other people, but Iâ€™m still as lost as ever. Â Do I want to major in religion? Â Geology? Â Both? Â But I like to write, too, and I want to be a writer. Â God, why does this have to be so hard?
I feel like my entire future is dependent on upon I do here, and well, it kind of is, and, thatâ€™s crazy! Â I donâ€™t feel any different, my actions donâ€™t feel any weightier, but Iâ€™m five times as stressed out. Â All of my friends know what theyâ€™re doing (it feels like), and here I am with a three-fourths-completed religion degree, realizing that I hate what Iâ€™m doing! Â What if I start on something else, and realize I hate that, too? Â What then? Â What if it keeps going? Â What if it becomes a perpetual prison of scholarly suffering? Â What do I do then?
I guess I just have to keep trying. Â Maybe in this ocean of things I hate, Iâ€™ll eventually find a combination of things I love that will make me happy in life. Â Who really knows for certain? Â We canâ€™t divine the future, so we shouldnâ€™t obsess over it so much. Â Enjoy yourselves and what youâ€™re doing and all that. Â Of course, it doesn’t mean you or I should stop caring, just that we shouldnâ€™t put so much weight on every little thing.
Lauren Schroeter is a columnist and a junior majoring in Geology and Religion.