Graphic by Samantha Skory

CAUTION: If you are under the ripe age of 21, I must advise you, for the safety of your liver and for the sake of you not getting arrested, to stop reading … but, hey, you’re probably going to keep reading because you’re just way too cool for school, so …

I think it goes without saying that I should slap a big ol’ disclaimer on this already-controversial article. With the least sarcasm possible and with the straightest face imaginable, I must state that I in no way condone drinking alcoholic beverages in extreme excess, especially if you’re not of the legal age (it’s still 21, folks, in case you forgot). But I think I can safely assume that we all are intelligent and informed human beings here and we can acknowledge that come Friday (probably Thursday) all the school work/essays turn into pumpkins and the textbooks are closed and put away or used in their rightful place as coasters.

If there’s one thing a student will learn upon entering college, it’s that alcohol ain’t cheap. Soon you’ll find yourself turning down the blessed food god that is Chipotle just to afford that really nice bottle of Captain Morgan’s you’ve been craving all week.

But don’t fret, my (21+) readers, for I have the privilege, nay the pleasure, to share with you the cheapest ways to get waste — excuse me — achieve your “optimal buzz” so that you can have your delicious Chipotle and wash it down with your favorite drink, too.
In no particular order, here are some of the choices that should provide the biggest buzz for your buck:

1) Franzia – $9.99
2) Carlo Rossi Burgundy – $9.99
3) Everclear – $12.99
4) Bacardi 151 rum – $23.99
5) Jim Beam whiskey – $11.99
6) Papov vodka – $10.99
7) Bacardi Gold rum – $17.99
8) Smirnoff vodka – $12.99
9) Natural Light beer – $18.69 (30 pack)

Of course, if none of these particularly strikes your fancy, there are always other ways of getting the most out of your night for the affordable price. For example, did you know that Panchitos Mexican Restaurant, located on McCullough Avenue, has $2 margarita nights on Thursdays? (I actually bet you did know because Trinity tends to raid the place in huge packs.) It may not be the cheapest way to get your drank on, but the social atmosphere at Panchitos will provide the pay off – not to mention, I hear those famous margs are quite tasty (and potent).

In all honesty, though, the cheapest way to get slizzard is to attend those trusty off-campus parties. Free, my friends, is the best kind of cheap there is.