Itâ€™s finally December, and we all know what that means: â€˜tis the season to be verbally accosted by your family! At this point in your life, the only reason you show up for family holidays anymore is the homemade food, and the possibility that one of your cool relatives will slip you some Benjamin Franklins (that you will definitely spend on college tuition and not beer.) However, that being said, spending time with your relatives is rough, because they always seem to ask you questions you donâ€™t want to answer. Thatâ€™s okay â€” follow this handy guide, and you can make it through the holidays without giving out any serious information about your personal life.
Have a coughing fit
As much as you love the fam, every time someone asks what youâ€™re doing after college you can feel a quarter-life crisis coming on. Donâ€™t give anyone time to induce your feelings of impending doom- instead, be ahead of the game and cough incessantly as soon as anyone approaches you. No one can question your lifeâ€™s trajectory if they canâ€™t get a word in edgewise. The only thing people will be asking you tonight is if you have bronchitis. (The correct answer is â€œyes.â€)
Interrogate them first
Anytime youâ€™re in the hot seat, unexpectedly turn the tables and return the rapid fire. â€œHey Aunt Becky, are you adjusting well to life after 50? Also, why did you and Uncle Tim get divorced again?â€ Whatever the elephant in the room is, be sure to address it. The more ruthless the better. You know youâ€™ve done the job right when everyone is shocked into silence and youâ€™re left feeling the sweet bliss. Sure, your mom might get mad at you, but you can honestly say, â€œWhat? She started it!â€
Get it over with all at once
Since youâ€™re unlikely to get away completely unscathed and very likely to hear the same things over and over, it might be best to just get it all out in one go. Try making one big announcement when the whole family is gathered: â€œBefore we begin eating, I would just like to say something. I am single, directionless, completely broke and yes, an art major. No, I donâ€™t expect to ever be employed. Yes, I will probably die alone with 16 cats. Great chat, letâ€™s eat!â€ Hey, at least youâ€™re up front about it.
Fake your own death
They say that teamwork makes the dream work, and thatâ€™s especially true if your dream is to escape your grandmaâ€™s relentless barrage of questions, such as but not (unfortunately) not limited to: â€œWhy are you single?â€ â€œWhy did Jason break up with you?â€ â€œAre you aware that your biological clock is ticking? Seriously. Have kids already.â€ Faking your death is the only rational way out of this situation. Keep in mind that this option is only for pros- it can be tough to pull off. The best method is to pick a sibling or cousin (preferably one also trying to weasel their way out of family togetherness) who can help you out. Then, stage your death, whether itâ€™s â€œchokingâ€ on some Christmas ham or tragically getting â€œcrushedâ€ by a fallen Christmas tree. Your partner in crime can pretend to drive you to the hospital, and youâ€™ll both be free from this holiday nightmare. At worst, you can kill a couple of hours while your family desperately tries to cope with the tragic loss. At best, your parents go along with the charade and you never have to see or speak to your extended relatives again. Â
Be overly honest
â€œEvery time you ask me about my future, I break out into a nasty, tri-colored rash. Wanna see?â€ Youâ€™ll nervously look around the room before commenting on the interesting aroma coming from yellow snow. The subject will never come up again.