Well, well, little freshmen, welcome to Trinity University. Sarcastic oops! Did I say freshmen? I meant first years. That’s your first tip from Professor Marge. You are never freshmen, you are always first years, and as far as we’re concerned, this is Hogwarts and Jurgens is a sorting hat.

Did I say Jurgens? Sarcastic oops again! I forgot that you know NOTHING. “Who’s that?” you ask with your wheedling first-year voices. Trinity Lingo Tip #2: She’s the campus dog and Trinity’s latest transparent ploy to seem upbeat and engaging. Hey kids! See how fun our school is? We have a dog! A DOG! LOOK AT US PLEASE COME HERE!” In her own opinion, Jurgens is queen of the rock, and to her, every day (dramatic pause) is diva day.

Here’s the thing, oh infantile ones. As far as I’m concerned, Trinity lingo is pretty lame and easy to catch on to. So I’m going to help you get in real good with the older children. We’re going to make our own lingo! Oh em gee YAY!

Cardiac Hill: You will know this within an hour of being on campus. It’s the hill with all the staircases between Witt and Coates. You will also figure out what those are. Or just wait until you’re climbing a bunch of stairs and feel like you’re going to have cardiac arrest. Hence the name. But we are going to call it The SteelyMcBunSteamer. Why you ask? Because your buns are gonna be steely and steamed by the time you finish trotting up and down this monstrosity. But hey, who doesn’t want a pair of perky trouser patties?

Bays: My littlest babies, this is the bar every Trinity student and their dog (as we kids here at Trinity like to call our significant others and/or bffl’s) goes to, mostly on Thursday nights. As I myself just turned 21 this past May, we can feel out Bays TOGETHER! Except (pay attention Trinity parents moving your children in) underage drinking NEVER happens at Trinity! (Insert uncomfortable smile) We’ll call Bays Danger Zone or The Thursday Night College Reunion. TNCR for short.

Taco C: Taco Cabana. Just call this, Drunchies Dreamland. You’ll figure out why soon enough. (Hint: Drunchies = Drunk Munchies)

The Shire: Because I ain’t no narc, I’m not going to tell you where this is. But if you feel like getting some drunchies, minus the drunk, this is the”¦ well, a place to go. Just don’t tell anyone you heard it from me (haha! Did you know I’m writing in a NEWSPAPER?!). Let’s call this”¦aw shucks, let’s just leave it as is. I’m a big LOTR fan and have a Gollum hanging in my car. TMI? That’s lingo for, “Shut the stuff up and hold the side of judgment, amigos.”

If you need more help, ask the Silver Foxxx. Who’s that? Ahaha, wouldn’t you like to know.

Sigh”¦it’s Dean Tuttle.