Revenge of the Tigers: If Trinity became a college comedy

A Trinity University Police Department officer walks by my room, Room 237; he’s thinking of his kids waiting for him at home, wondering why TUPD seems to be the popcorn maker of campus and if he’ll finally get lucky and win the bet against his fellow officers on how many parking tickets they’ll issue this week. He doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary and moves on to a higher floor. Behind the door with nooks stuffed with Cosmopolitan magazines is a room violating various school, state, national, international and galactic laws; things are taking place that would make the Greeks blush and worthy of a high-five from the Dos Equis guy, a consummate gentleman and badass.

Meanwhile, your weekend is looking dull and you’re aching for something more thrilling, more daring than playing Scattergories. My advice to you: DO NOT mimic the utterly inane activities of the people found in every college movie ever. I foresee roughly around zero cool montages and gratifying, fulfilling endings. There are plenty of movies out there that showcase the wild antics of college students though I won’t be going into much detail about specific deeds ““ I know that it would be distasteful to the refined palates of the Trinitonian readers.

The movie that initially comes to mind is “National Lampoon’s Animal House.” This movie is probably the quintessential “college” movie. That said, it would be unwise to do, well, any of the scenes in the movie. The cafeteria scene where John “Bluto” Blutarsky heaps plates and plates of food onto his tray then proceeds to get chased by a couple of snobby jerks. I already see red flags on that seemingly harmless scene. The people in charge of Mabee would have lots of problems with the running around and tackling. On a positive note, Bluto would probably be the one person on campus ecstatic about the all-you-can-eat Mabee.

I’ve never dared to go below a 4.0 GPA (truth meter: Ron Jeremy-sized nose) but I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that having 1.2 GPA be the high point of any organization would be very, very bad. Bluto maintaining a 0.0 GPA must be an achievement in itself.

I’m not certain if “Waterboy” counts as a “college” movie but I’m not above bending definitions. Funneling your deepest and darkest emotions into rage tackling someone may not be the best way to pass college though I’m not certain if Trinity has an explicit no tackling professors rule. If nothing else, you’d definitely be the talk of campus.

I’m 100 percent certain that mimicking the actions of the cast of “Revenge of the Nerds” ““ militant frats, rape, general campus terror ““ will land you in jail, regardless of the school.
Kicking it “Old School” during a mid-life crisis wouldn’t be so improbable. Anybody can take a class at Trinity (almost) so starting your own fraternity is possible. The other parts of the story like the pool of KY Jelly (that’s actually a specific item on the room damages sheet) and that one guy dying may, surprisingly, be a problem with the administration.

“I don’t always party hard but when I do, I go to John’s room.” You got that right, Dos Equis guy.