Cyrus’ crazy caper creates clamant consequences

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but Miley Cyrus did something at the VMAs.  Since then, MTV lovers everywhere have been losing their minds with emotions ranging from anger to disgust to uncontrollable lust (just me?).  And while countless bloggers, satirists, YouTube commenters and daytime television hosts have discussed the psychological and social reasonings behind a young girl in her skivvies being dry humped by a thirty-six-year- old man onstage, I have chosen to look beyond and review the societal consequences that I believe are soon to unfold.  In order to write this article, I’ve had to do a lot of research, including watching the performance twenty times, watching half of the Blurred Lines music video and going through extensive therapy sessions as a result of both.  Also, all of these predictions are about 127% likely to come true.

Miley Cyrus is the chemical weapon

Actual Blurred Lines lyrics: “Ok, now he was close, tried to domesticate you, but you’re an animal, baby, it’s in your nature. Just let me liberate you.”  Misogynist trash? Or the rantings of a political lunatic?   I don’t know much about Syria, but both “˜liberate’ and “˜domesticate’ sound like fighting words to me.  Maybe Miley’s distracting us from global affairs for a reason, maybe, while we aimlessly browse Tumblr five hours every day to endlessly consume more juicy gossip about a dime- a-dozen mental breakdown at a pointless awards show, our minds are being slowly destroyed.  Plus, I can hardly even differentiate between the words Cyrus and Sarin, which is proof enough.  So, quickly! Turn off your computers and put down your J-14 mags and maybe, just maybe, if you do, any impact that this little performance ever had on our lives will slowly disappear.

A small dog escaped its owners and attended the VMAs as Miley Cyrus

You saw the hair, you saw the tongue, you saw the foam finger and you know as well as I do that something just wasn’t quite right. Knowing the fact that the Miley Cyrus we saw was probably nothing more than a tiny, terrified canine should bring me some level of comfort or faith in humanity, but, alas, I can’t help compare the performance to some of the amazing feats I’ve seen at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  Hopefully, this tragically beautiful discovery will bring to end this “tail” of woe.

Robin Thicke continues to have a fruitful career

Hard to believe, I know.  Part of me thinks he might just bow his head in shame and walk away from the music industry before every woman alive attempts to murder him, but men like Robin Thicke are often quite persistent.  Maybe later, he’ll come out with awesome new songs like “What Rhymes With Thicke?” or “I Won’t Even Have to Change my Clothes When I’m Arrested for a Sex Crime.”  Either way, I’m pumped.

Twerking becomes the defining factor of this generation

Move aside, Foxtrot, two-step and Jitterbug!  There’s a new form of physical artwork in town! I cannot wait to explain to my grandchildren how much fun I used to have “˜dropping it like it was hot’ on the dance floor to some One Direction, therefore fueling a period of shared rebellion among all the other youths.  It’ll be like Jazz or Rock “˜n’ Roll all over again! And all thanks to Hannah Montana!