Post-college things to know

I’ve been out of college for two years and there are a lot of things I wish I could have said to me six years ago, but can’t. Yeah, articles exist like this, but they’re easy things: “experiment!” Look, I had anal sex way before college. And I took Cognitive Development, which might as well be the same thing. Authority figures give safe advice like “experiment” because if you mess it up, you can’t blame them.

Anyway, you have zero reason to trust any of this, but I wish you would:

You will probably break up with the person you’re dating right now. I know maybe three couples from Trinity “˜12 and Trinity “˜11 who are still together. Most of you didn’t date seriously until college because you knew you were going to college. Ergo, College Sweethearts are the new High School Sweethearts. But sure, you’re going to beat the odds. I believe you.

If you have $80,000 in student loans or more, you will owe something like $800 or more per month six months after your graduation. Better get on that forbearance, bro. Or enroll in online community college courses to defer your loans longer. Or leave the country. Your call.

You will never have a dating pool like this again, unless you move to a dense urban area like New York City or San Francisco. There are 2,000 of you crammed into a high school’s worth of space; you’re all fit and the same age and probably about as smart as each other.  No one has STDs because everyone is responsible about sex. Cool: this will shrink to 50 people by the time you’re 24.

If you don’t have internships, aren’t going to grad school, don’t have nepotistic connections and don’t have a STEM degree, all specialness of your degree will disappear after graduation. Internships are a way to show that you’re not as worthless as a humanities major. Grad school is a way of doubling down on existing bad decisions, but in a way that qualifies you to teach smart high school students and dumb college students. Prepare to be rejected from literally everything in the $30,000-and-up salary range.

Addendum: law school doesn’t count as grad school. Grad school is different fundamentally: your chances of admission to law school are almost entirely based on your LSAT and GPA, with emphasis on LSAT. GPAs are school-blind; “looks good on your application” is bullshit. Also, unless you’re in a top-10 law school there’s a strong chance (see you’ll barely make $60,000 a year following your graduation, which is great unless you paid $100,000 and opted out of three years of income for a law degree””and you did.

Everyone after graduation is boring. I’m generalizing, but people compartmentalize their college experiences. They’ll have a threesome or two in college, then get married three years out saying they “got it out of their system.” I’m sorry, you never had it in your system. Adventurousness, to college graduates, is going to prix fixe restaurants in Southtown or Austin and taking pictures of their food on Instagram while exclaiming how innovative the pork-infused Manhattans are. Occasionally, old men will pay for blue balls at strip clubs and old women will brunch””actually, on this note:

Brunch sucks: I don’t get brunch. It’s less classy than you think. It’s hollandaise sauce on eggs, then orange juice and cheap champagne. You can make that crap in your dorm. Wow. So “Mad Men.”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write about cocaine.

Alfred MacDonald, guest columnist, attended Trinity but graduated from University of the Incarnate Word in 2012. He runs the popular Facebook page “Overheard at Trinity.”