What to look forward at the Winter Olympics

2014 marked the year that every American learned that there’s a city in Russia called “Sochi” and that it is apparently important enough to hold the Olympics.  I am personally very excited because, if there’s one person in this whole world who knows how to put on a rocking party, it’s Vladimir Putin. I mean, have you seen that guy smile?  It’s like a sunrise (in the sense that I never see sunrises, but when I do, they’re quite painful to stare at for too long).  However, after sneaker sales, the primary objective of the Olympics is “sports.”  This means that there will probably be some long, dreary moments while that torch is lit that we’ll all have to churn through for the sake of “seeming interested in culture.” Therefore, to prepare all readers ahead of time, I have come up with the parts of the Olympics I look forward to the most and the least. Looking forward to:

Opening/ Closing Ceremony

Everybody knows that these are the best parts of the entire shindig and the only parts that anybody really cares about.  In the last years, we watched Beijing perform amazing musical numbers that displayed the grace and precision of its people. After that, we witnessed London essentially recite Sherlock fanfiction to millions of people.  With the joviality and spunk commonly associated with Russia, I can’t wait to see what they’ve got prepared for us.

Apolo Ohno’s Outfits

Oh no! It’s Apolo and his skintight neon suits that significantly increase both aerodynamics and attention.  I’m hoping to be entertained on a very shallow level while this brilliant little man performs feats that I could never dream of accomplishing.  I’m betting on at least thirty cases of red bandana and fifty of bright blue suspender.

Figure Skating

Ah, the gymnastics of the summer.  This is, hands down, the best sport ever.  I love the costumes and the movements and the hot guys.  I’m pretty sure that this is also the only sport that people actively watch and enjoy.  I will definitely be rooting for a country; however, I doubt that country will be the United States.  Sorry, but we’re just too gangly and confident.

The Quirky YouTube Videos

Remember last time, when the USA Swimming Team made an ironic music video to “Call Me Maybe?”  I want that times a million this year.  It makes them human and relatable.  Like, only a true friend would listen to that song and make fun of it.  This year, I’m hoping for a parody of every One Direction Song, “American Hustle” and Russia’s social policies.  So fun!

The Inevitable “Sports Illustrated” Shirtless Spread

Has anybody noticed that every single famous Olympian is attractive both in the body and face? How convenient for both magazine and Wheaties sales.

Ryan Lochte

Wait”¦ What?

Not Looking Forward To:

Everything Else

I don’t care about.