Surviving a showerless South

On the quiet morning of Monday Jan. 26, tragedy struck South residence hall. In the midst of my highly important shampoo/conditioner cycle, the shower faucet creaked, spouted brown water and went dry. I stood there, vulnerable to my surroundings, waiting for a spray of water to begin once again. None came.

After scraping the bubbles out of my hair with stagnant water that had been in my electric kettle for two weeks, I checked my email to learn the awful truth: South would be waterless until Monday evening. Over the next few hours, I learned many things about survival, loss, endurance and most importantly, the strength of the human spirit. Here are a few pieces of advice for the next time this type of catastrophe befalls the Trinity community:

It is Never Too Early to Drink Your Own Urine

I read an article in Business Insider that states that, on average, a human can live without water for three to four days. I read this statistic as more of a guideline than a fact because I could already feel the pangs of dehydration after minute three.

With a hand pressing against my bladder, I knew what had to be done. Personally, I suggest avoiding asparagus and kidney infections if you’re going to attempt this feat; however, in emergency situations, beggars can’t be choosers. I suggest washing it down with some peanut butter or Kraft singles like you’re a dog dry-swallowing a giant vitamin. Bon Apetit!

Have Your Hall Create a Community Well From Collected Rainwater

Using a large trashcan, have everybody in your hall create a type of funnel that connects to the roof. Then, wait for the next big rainstorm to hit campus, and you’ll be making aquatic bank. If there is only one can to be shared between a hall of ten to thirty men and women, community baths are to be expected and enjoyed. Use duct tape to patch up any holes and don’t be afraid if some of the sticky stuff gets in the water””it has vitamins.

Take Water From The Fountain

Much like in the Serengeti, Trinity has numerous unofficial watering holes, the main one being nestled somewhere between Northrup and Parker Chapel. There are many rumors circulating that the fountain water is “undrinkable,” which is ludicrous because water is, by definition, completely safe no matter what.

I recommend using the top tier with running water as a toilet, the second highest as a shower, and the third for all hydration/cooking/gardening concerns.  Just be sure to build up your intolerance to bacteria cleaning chemicals before consuming any of the water. This should only take a few months or years, though.

Steal From Your Neighbors

When the going gets tough, the tough burglarize essential life ingredients from their friends.  Knock on their door in full disguise (I recommend any type of morph bodysuit), knock them aside and quickly start filling your canteen with some mineral-filled delicious tap water. Before leaving, knock them out so they think the whole thing was a dream.