“Cinderella” is a dream my heart did not make

To provide some credibility to any incredulous individuals, I first want to proclaim my love for Disney princesses. Maybe a 22-year-old manboy has no business proclaiming his love for Disney princesses or writing about Disney’s 2015 remake of “Cinderella” but I’m doing both anyway. Quite aggressively and really, ultimately, unnecessary and unasked for.

Belle, Mulan and Jasmine were my heroes as a kid because of what wonderful humans they were”” even if they’re two dimensional. Cinderella was not a kick-ass-and-take-names woman like Mulan nor was she a well-read, knows-what-she-wants woman like Belle but she was so caring and so loving– a trait that may seem weak in our “gendered” society but it’s a trait I think everyone should emulate more.

The 2015 movie stars Lily James, Cate Blanchett and Richard Madden. There are some other people, too, but I really don’t care”” we can stop at my boy Robb Stark. “Cinderella” was directed by Kenneth Branagh who directed other movies like “Valkyrie,” “Thor” and “Wild Wild West.” Yes, it is also news to me that those three movies had any connections, let alone the director.

Branagh was also Lockhart in the the second “Harry Potter” movie. I hated Lockhart’s character and (spoilers) I hate “Cinderella” too.The film has grossed $122.5 million in the U.S.  and currently has 84 percent on rottentomatoes.com. I don’t get it at all. Sure, I think little girls and boys will love this movie because it’s “Cinderella” with a ridiculously high production value. The actors are quite good in it, though, I am really tired of seeing Helena Bonham Carter being a quirky character”” I’m surprised Johnny Depp didn’t show up. The movie definitely felt like a magical princess fairytale but it didn’t feel effortless like the 1950s version did.

The movie felt too deliberate in every scene. The “magical princess fairytale” quality was so heavy-handed. Shots take way too long because characters stared at each other for an uncomfortably long time like some sort of soap opera. The whole movie really beat the audience with how “kind and courageous” Cinderella was but I never really felt like it earned any of it. I never felt like she was genuinely “kind or courageous”. I will have tons of spoilers soon so if you”” for some reason”” care about the nuance of the new “Cinderella” film then leave now.

Is Cinderella vegetarian? She makes this big deal about hairless Robb Stark, the prince  chasing this specific deer. She makes him stop the hunt to save the deer. She really wants to save this one deer. Not all deer. Just this one. She doesn’t seem to mind the entire concept of killing animals. Just this one specific instance. She never mentions being vegetarian or even any problems with killing in general.

The whole kingdom is now in deep trouble because of her marriage. There will now be thousands of deaths since the prince picked her instead of a strong, powerful alliance but she doesn’t really care. Oh god. Is this really just a prequel to the Red Wedding? Let’s not forget the touching scene at the end where she tells her stepmother “I forgive you” which seems totally inappropriate except when viewed through the lens that Cinderella just wants to feel superior about her “kind and courageous” nature.

I admit that these qualms are highly unfair since this is a fairytale movie so maybe I shouldn’t be too logical BUT the movie made me think this way. The cartoon never tried to be rooted in reality so I never really asked these questions.

When the Duke makes convoluted plots or setting the story in “a small country surrounded by large warring nations” and every other trite explanation they give, it makes me ask questions that I wouldn’t have.

The people in charge of this movie “Phantom Menace’d” the series. They tried to explain the mythos behind “Cinderella” and it just ended up adding baggage that weighed the whole thing down.

Oh, have you always wondered why her name is Cinderella? Well, worry not, we’ve got an answer for you! Never felt like there was enough political intrigue? Step right up because we’ve got the Duke planning out this arranged marriage for the prince”” whose father conveniently dies and conveniently changes his mind right before dying”” that the stepmother is a part of.

This whole movie felt unnecessary. It’s like remaking a film series with different people but worse. Oh wait, “The Amazing Spiderman” already beat “Cinderella” at that so it doesn’t even win that.

I thought Belle was supposed to be the princess that milked the cow. Burn.

If you want a magical movie with a princess then go watch the beautiful 1950s version. The “˜50s version even had this novel idea of featuring songs during the movie, not just during the credits.