Balancing modesty and confidence
Photo credit: Kaitlyn Curry
This past summer, I attended a traditional Latin Mass at a nearby Catholic church near my hometown in North Texas wearing my favorite vintage dress and a lace chapel veil. The dress came just above my knees, had a high neck and sleeves nearly down to my elbows — by all means, a very modest dress.
As I walked in, I noticed that I was the only woman not wearing a dress that came down to my calves. I was alone, sat near the front and was enjoying the liturgy until the priest began his homily.
“Just a reminder,” he began, “we have a strict dress code here at our parish. Dresses must completely cover knees and shoulders. It may not be an occasion of sin for everyone, but you must realize that you may be leading your brothers in Christ to sin by wearing this clothing to Mass.”
The entire time he gave this spiel, he was staring directly at me. His eyes never wavered.
Suddenly I felt other members of the congregation looking at me, and my face turned red with embarrassment. I had always felt like I dressed very modestly — I never felt comfortable wearing short shorts or other extremely revealing clothing — but now I felt completely mortified.
After Mass had ended I made a beeline for the exit, stuffing my veil in my purse and avoiding eye contact with the others leaving the church. The prevailing thought rolling in my head — besides my anger at the priest — was, “If he had been saying that about someone who was new to the Church, that may have been the last time they ever attended Mass. That may have completely obliterated someone’s faith, all for the sake of modesty.”
This experience led me to reflect on what it meant to be modest, and why it is even important to care about modesty. My decisions on what to wear are always at least slightly informed by my sense of modesty, but I never had truly thought through what that meant.
I still believe that modesty — for both men and women — is important. However, I think it’s a little more nuanced than just wearing clothing that covers your knees and shoulders, as modesty exists on a continuum that changes based on what space you occupy. Wearing what you would wear to a party is not at all appropriate for going to church or a business meeting, and neither is wearing pajamas to class. Why is this?
In my opinion, it all comes down to respect. You should want to dress in a way that people respect you and that matches the environment that you are in. You would not choose to wear a bright red dress to a funeral, and this is because the clothing you wear says certain things about you. Without even opening your mouth, your clothing is already speaking to the outside world about your identity, even if you don’t intend it to.
Even though I hold these beliefs, I still struggle with the practical applications of modesty and walking the tight line between wearing clothes that make me feel confident and feeling like I’m being respected by men. So many experiences that I’ve had — such as being scolded by this priest for wearing a dress one inch too short, being catcalled downtown while wearing jeans and a t-shirt or times when I wear a turtleneck and still have issues with men not knowing how properly to make eye contact — have made me wonder what woman must do to be seen as modest. Must I wear a nun’s habit to not be stared at?
Fashions which we see as modest are coming back into style. Long skirts, high-necked tops and classy dresses are everywhere today. As someone who loves vintage styles, I love seeing these old-fashioned ways of dress becoming more popular today. I believe that clothes should not have to show a lot of skin to be beautiful and should emphasize a woman’s looks in a respectful way that makes her feel comfortable and confident.
Even with dressing modestly, though, there will always be people who choose to see your body as more important than your heart and mind. This saddens me, and I honestly still struggle with the value of modesty in how I view myself and others. Even so, I know one thing is true: how we dress is an important way of informing the world of who we are, but it can never replace the value of one’s inner beauty, soul and virtue.
Kajex Surnahm • Apr 28, 2019 at 9:36 pm
If the priest is -that- worried that a dress so innocuous and modest would compel his flock to pop an erection, it’s probably best that -any- woman vacate the building and never return- there are probably dolphins among the sheep.
(Yes, dolphins- they tend to be more inclined to rape than wolves.)
Brendan Donaghey • Sep 29, 2018 at 6:37 am
When one attends a Federal Court Hearing or Trial in many Federal Court Districts there is a rule that all men must wear a blazer coat jacket in the court room for proceedings. I once arrived at Federal District Court in Austin, Texas and I had forgotten by navy blazer (it was a scorching summer day) and as I passed the metal detectors the U.S. Marshals reminded me of the rule.
I explained that I had left my blazer behind at home and could they make an exception. They ushered me over to a side room’s closet where they had several old polyester type navy blazers that looked like they had been gathering dust there since Walter Cronkite was reporting on the Kennedy assassination in Dallas.
I obediently complied and donned one of the ill-fitting old navy blazers (in all their polyester sartorial splendor and glory). While the designers at Hugo Boss or Ralph Lauren would have been horrified by the site of the old, dusty, amorphously fitting Navy Blazer that I was forced to wear—it reflected the “Formality” and the “Tradition” of the Federal Court Proceedings in the United States Federal District Court in Austin, Texas.
While one can object to the seemingly “silly” or “quaint” clinging to Tradition that is practiced in the Federal Court System, one must both comply and acknowledge that they “run the show” and enforce conformity and compliance with their system of Traditional Haberdashery regarding men’s clothing.
I presume that the judges would similarly enforce a dress code regarding an ill-clad or scantily clad female or male who attempted to enter a courtroom.
The point that is lost on modern people is that in the age of informality regarding dress, morals, speech, worship, manners, dining, writing and body language–much of the profound beauty and seriousness of proper human interaction has been lost.
Finally, I would bet that if the author of this article were to be invited to Westminster Abbey or the Queen’s residence for formal dinner by Meghan Markle (spelling?)( the 38 year old divorcee who recently “married” Prince “Harry” of England)—she would quickly ask about the protocol of the proper manners and body language. The author would run out to purchase just the “proper” dress with the proper length of the dress and skirts and with proper sleeves and neckline etc.
Just as the world was “riveted” waiting to see if Meghan would “Curtsy” to the Queen of England and others (she did curtsy by the by!) I am certain that the author would don the proper clothing if she were invited (and attended) a dinner or meeting with the Holy Father in the Holy See Vatican City, Vatican City State.
Eanna Heyliger • Jun 26, 2019 at 3:40 pm
I agree that the sentiment of traditional dress is very important. I’m sure if someone had pulled the author aside politely and informed her of this specific dress code, then this article would not exist. Modesty isn’t necessarily the issue at hand; It’s the use of religion and modesty as a tactic to oppress and shame women. If this priest truly respected women and saw every member of his congregation as a child of God, he would have seen the author as a new church member that was simply uninformed, instead of outing her as a Jezebel. Therefore, the issue at hand is respect for women and their bodies.
KDB • Sep 27, 2018 at 2:39 pm
As a woman who was required to dress modestly most of the time as a young woman, it is my experience that some men will disrespect you no matter what you wear. Being modest does not stop men from sinning either.
I wore my modest school uniform to Catholic school for 12 years.
Denise Boehm • Sep 27, 2018 at 1:01 pm
The priest is perpetuating rape culture in his comments to you. As a former Catholic, this type of thought is one reason, of many, that I view the religion and the institution with contempt. Not necessarily its adherents, but the institution is based on patriarchy, which is inherently immoral. Love to you and comfort for being yet another person abused by the Church. I wonder what advice the misogynistic priest gives to little boys about wearing apparel that leads the priesthood into sin. You are right that you are worthy as a person. Reject any insult that suggests otherwise. And any institution. Jesus didn’t play that game, so it’s ironic that his minions do.