Dear Kayla: I’m in love with a straight woman


Illustrations by Ren Rader

Banner In love with a straight woman
Photo credit: Ren Rader

“I’m a queer female, but I’m in love with a straight woman. What should I do?” Raspberry

Oh Raspberry, where should I begin? I’m all too familiar with this feeling: She’s everything you could possibly want in a person. You probably get annoyed when men hit on her, and consequently feel overall worse about the situation. You tell yourself, “Well maybe she’s a little gay,” when in reality, she’s just a queer ally, a quality that makes you like her even more.

She probably has some quirky quality, like knowing the entire choreography to her favorite musical. You might go home after hanging out with her and feel stuck, hopeless, and as if you’ll never be as good as those men she’s dating.

It may feel that no one will ever be as entrancing as her and that, while you love being her friend, you can’t continue on like this. Maybe you’re a writer, and you’ve written disdainful poems about the men who have “taken her away.”

One thing is certain, and that’s that you’ve decided to write in to me. While we often joke about the trope of falling for straight women, sometimes it can turn into something really hurtful; especially if it’s a good friend of yours. I’ve been through this before, and I’m here to tell you it turns out ok in the end.

First, if you know for certain she’s straight, you’ll just have to let that fantasy of yours go. It’s not doing either of you any good, and the longer you hold onto it, the more damage you’re doing to your own well-being. Easier said than done, I realize.

You’ll want to go back to convincing yourself that this crush isn’t hurting you “that much.” It is. It follows you around, manifesting itself into stress dreams, anxious thoughts and hurt feelings.

For the sake of trying to save your soul, let’s say (stick with me here) this straight woman is a bee, and you’re, well, you. As pretty and cute as bees are, they’ll sting you if you get too close to them; except a straight woman unknowingly has thousands of stingers.

And every time you go up to the bee and say, “Aww, look how cute,” before you know it, you’re stung right in the eye! Next, it’s your ears, then your hands, until finally, she gets you right in the heart.

We know bees are cute, but does that mean we’re all throwing ourselves at beehives? I would hope not.

You obviously admire your friend, and for good reason, I’m sure! Realize you are knowingly insulting your spirit by making up fantasies about a woman who can’t provide you with what you need, and therefore creating tension in your friendship with her. She will never fulfill you romantically. She will never fulfill you sexually. She will never be what you want her to be because the girl in your head is not the girl who is real.

Invest your time and energy into people who can reciprocate similar feelings, invest your time in queer people.

If we start listening to what our heart needs early on, the law of attraction will manifest itself into other parts of our life.

It’s easy to go down a path of self-destruction when you are lying to yourself and making up fantasies about something that will never happen. Valuing your well-being is a wonderful choice to make.

Lastly, you’re not in love with her, she’s just super cute!

The wonderful thing about women-loving-women is that often times, it’s totally probable that you can overcome your crush and continue to support her in her endeavors.

You may always have a soft spot for her, but it won’t matter when you’re dating people who can reciprocate your feelings. Don’t be another statistic, overcome your obsession with straight women!

My best wishes,