Dear Kayla: How do I fall out of love?


Photo credit: Andrea Nebhut

Illustration by Andrea Nebhut

Dear Kayla, I’m tired of liking someone. I’m tired of wasting my time and I’m tired of hoping for change or to eventually get over it. How do you fall out of love? -Miss Unloved

Dear Miss Unloved,

When thinking of why we dwell in suffering, I’d like to direct you to Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths and what they have to say about how we can remove ourselves from miserable circumstances.

1. To be a human animal is to be uncomfortable.

Life is an unending cycle of embracing the bearable times and trying to survive the unbearable times. People often talk about wanting to reach a point in their life where they are infinitely happy, but often forget that happiness is finite. Not a single one of us will ever reach a point in our lives that will stay comfortably full of joy because life is inevitably heartbreaking. And yet, just like happiness is finite, so is sadness. The goal is not to be happy or sad, but to balance the two and develop strong support systems, as well as coping mechanisms to help you during these transitions. When you are upset, remember that it will pass and you will reach a moment of happiness. When you are happy remember the sadness you endured, and the strength that allowed you to continue living. To be a human animal is to suffer, and to be a courageous human animal is to accept this suffering as it is.

2. When we resist discomfort, we suffer.

It’s so simple to lie to oneself about our emotions and shove them under the rug; except we can all see the really big bump under each other’s rugs. If you feel upset, then be upset. If you feel unloved, accept you feel unloved without passing judgement. We have all, at several points in our lives, felt unloved in some shape or form. Accept that you still have feelings for this person, except this time, don’t raise any judgement, expectations, or thoughts. Quiet your thoughts every time they want to promote a negative feeling. Do not resist the truth; for it is because you have resisted this truth that you have continued to suffer.

3. Suffering ceases when we let go of the idea of “me.”

If everyone in the world were to be conscious of the way their actions affect those surrounding them, there would be less suffering on our planet. We suffer because we forget that we are connected to everything else, and everyone else. We mistake what is impermanent to be permanent due to our own self-absorbed world-view. Surely in our perception of the world, we are great communicators in our relationships, however, in the worldview of our friends, that may not be true. We forget that others have opinions on us that are different from what we believe their perception of us is, and that is okay. So in your worldview, you still have feelings for this person, but you forget that in their worldview, they have moved on. Accept both perceptions, and accept they do not and will never work together.

4. We are part of the energy that creates everything.

Have you ever stopped to consider what energy you’ve been putting out into the world? The Law of Attraction states that the mere thought of a negative belief, feeling, or emotion is enough to send out negative vibrations in the world. The way we use language is also fundamental in the way we preserve our energy. Instead of saying, “I will never overcome this crush,” say, “I am in the process of overcoming my crush.” I cannot stress enough how important it is you include “I am in the process of” in your affirmation. By saying, “I have overcome my crush,” you are knowingly lying to yourself, and therefore sending out negative vibrations, defeating the purpose of an affirmation and its healing qualities.

It’s okay to feel as if you’ve been “overcoming” for what seems like forever. You are in the process of accepting yourself as you are. You are in the process of overcoming your crush. Whatever getting over your crush entails only you truly know, I simply provided a guide to help you on your road to ending your suffering. All my love (proof you are not unloved),