Previously, on SGA: Ballot brawl breaks out

The following covers the meeting on April 1.

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here


Zero students were in attendance.

Climate Check:

President Daniel Newton began the meeting by placing a time limit on the climate check in order to ensure that there would be enough time for the senate to conduct the constitutional review. The constitutional review was originally meant to occur on Feb. 1 and has since been rescheduled twice.

Sophomore Senator Ellie Carbonara opened the climate check with another update on the ice cream machine saga, stating that, after reviewing the security footage in the warehouse, she believes that the missing machine has been stolen in an act of sabotage against her reelection campaign. Advisor Remi Frown advised sending an email to Earnest Gonzales, the associate director of facilities services. Senator Carbonara stated that she had already sent Gonzales an email explaining that she will be holding his children hostage until the ice cream machine was delivered to Mabee Dining Hall. Vice President Doja Amari, who is infamous for disliking children, stated that kidnapping was not an extreme enough measure.

Freshman Senator Sammy Ajax stated that his complaint from the previous meeting has been resolved and that the menstrual product dispenser in Coates Student Center has been refilled. He also made a point to mention that he did not procure this information firsthand and “totally did not go in the little girl’s room.”

Junior Senator Danish Barcoozie asked why the Trinitonian only seems to write about sophomore senators. The sophomore senators offered many different answers in unison, while the rest of the senate remained silent.

Sophomore Senator Anakin Sieva attempted to continue climate check but was cut off by a round of groans. President Newton told him to hush. Advisor Remi Frown advised Senator Sieva to send an email.

Constitutional Review:

Sophomore Senator Andre Flippits, head of the constitutional review committee, tried to pull up the constitution on the projector screen for the senate to review, but instead clicked on a PDF document marked as “Receipts.” Senator Flippits claimed that he had misclicked, but did not remove the document from the viewing screen. The document contained screenshots of DMs, in which President Newton threatened to email embarrassing baby pictures of Senator Flippits to the entire student body if he challenged the incumbent in the election.

President Newton accused Senator Flippits of creating fake screenshots as a part of a smear campaign. Senator Flippits retorted that President Newton’s campaign pictures of him dressed as a furry were embarrassing. At this point, President Newton stood up, yelled “LeeRoy is not my fursona! I would never be a cat!,” and backhanded Senator Flippits. Senator Flippits then tackled President Newton, sending both of them tumbling over a desk and onto the floor.

As Vice President Amari and Judicial Chair Mia Twaggin, attempted to pry the president and the sophomore senator apart, Treasurer Katherine Moral Handover stood up and accused Senator Sieva of paying off senators to promote his campaign for vice president on social media over hers. Senator Sieva responded stating that it isn’t his fault that people like him better. Treasurer Moral Handover called multiple senators sellouts. Senator Barcoozie stated that she can’t blame the senators for giving in to Senator Sieva’s demands since “the last people who crossed him have been kicked off-campus and replaced.”

Senator Carbonara agreed with Senator Barcoozie, claiming that it isn’t personal. Sophomore Senator Harry Tinkle claimed that it probably was personal and claimed that Senator Carbonara and Senator Ella McGraph were probably laughing at Treasurer Moral Handover in their personal GroupMe.

Senator Carbonara accused Senator Tinkle of stealing the ice cream machine because he was jealous that people actually care about her initiatives and no one cares about replacing TigerPaws. Tinkle retorted that TigerPaws was designed by a third grader. Carbonara stated that Tinkle was behaving like a third grader.

Just as Judicial Chair Twaggin and Vice President Amari were finally successful in separating President Newton and Senator Flippits, President Newton swung on Vice President Amari shouting, “equal rights!” Vice President Amari retaliated with a swift kick to the groin, causing President Newton to crumble to the floor.

In the chaos that ensued, multiple fights broke out among senators. The Trinibonian was unable to clearly report these events due to a limited view from the desk they were hiding under. Senior Senator Liza McNooly stood up on a desk and yelled, “Stop the violence!”

Advisor Frown pulled the fire alarm, causing the sprinklers to come on. Between the blaring alarm and the water, the situation cooled off. Advisor Frown ordered the senators to sit down and stated that this behavior was unacceptable. Advisor Frown reminded the senators that SGA’s primary function is the same as a 2012 YouTuber’s — to rack up as many collaborations as possible — and if they behave like this they can’t expect corporations like Apple, other student governments, or even other student organizations to want to collab with them.

President Newton called the meeting to an early close due to sudden inclement weather. The constitutional review was postponed until April 12.