Instructions: Keep track of your answers. Do not look ahead.
1. Rom-Com character to spend V-day with:
A) Cher, “Clueless”
B) Westley, “The Princess Bride”
C) Mia Thermopolis, “The Princess Diaries”
D) Kat Stratford, “10 Things I Hate About You”
2. What’s your favorite study spot on campus?
A) Starbucks, by the window in the corner: It’s cozy, comfy and I can’t work without some caffeine in my system.
B) Mabee Dining Hall: I only have one mouth, might as well work while I eat.
C) Nowhere in particular: I migrate from place to place depending on the vibes.
D) Some place obscure that your “basic” quiz would never come up with.
3. What text abbreviation do you say unironically?
A) LOL
B) IMHO
C) ILY BBG
D) BFFR
4. You would never go out in public wearing…
A) Neon orange spray tan
B) A diaper on your head
C) 10-inch stilettos
D) Lady Gaga’s meat dress
5. Which card best embodies your personality?
A) Queen of hearts in any context
B) Six of diamonds in a flush
C) Jack during Slapjack
D) Joker accidentally left in the deck
6. Choose an obscure internship for this summer:
A) Ariana Grande’s footstool
B) Baby goat pajama selector
C) Professional mermaid seashell collector
D) The cameraman in horror movies
7. Friend-shaped animal to cuddle with?
A) Capybara wearing sunglasses
B) Full-teeth smiling alligator
C) Perry the Platypus
D) Mommy possum and her litter
8. How are you garnishing a cup of coffee?
A) Spiced lavender foam and vanilla popping boba
B) Dark chocolate fudge flakes
C) Fresh whipped cream from your personal cow named Freddie
D) Absolutely nothing: I drink coffee black, like my soul.
9. What roadtrip game are you falling back on?
A) M.A.S.H.
B) The license plate game
C) Charades
D) How hard can I slap my sibling before they cry?
10. Lastly, why are you taking this quiz?
A) I love all things Valentine’s!
B) I need confirmation that my true love is still out there and I will find them.
C) Why not?
D) To prove this quiz wrong. There is no way you know how I am spending my Valentine’s Day.
Mostly A’s: Ring by spring
My, my! It’s happening tonight. Make sure to get your nails done in a pearl, sea shell, off white, eggshell color that almost matches your natural nails. You will go to an expensive Italian restaurant where you will eloquently slurp noodles “Lady and the Tramp” style. Beware of the garlic bread! Just when the night is ending, your partner’s knees will awkwardly pop as they shuffle to the ground and ask you a particular question… What’s it going to be?
Mostly B’s: Ice cream tacos in bed
Either you’re an introvert doing what you love best or you are forced to feel the weight of loneliness. Regardless, you will spend the night filling crunchy taco shells with rocky road ice cream. Don’t worry! Even though you’re spending the trademark romantic holiday in a raggedy t-shirt watching other people find love on rom-coms, you’ll still get stuffed tonight (by ice cream, of course).
Mostly C’s: Friends forever
Tonight you’ll go out with all your favorite people. But first, you’ll have a Y2K movie makeover sequence to Taylor Swift’s “1989” album. Who needs romance when you have someone who would shave your hairy legs? Do your thing and dance like an ostrich trapped in a puffy miniskirt. You don’t need to impress anyone tonight!
Mostly D’s: V-Day naysayer:
You will scoff and roll your eyes all day long at the couples holding hands and buying exorbitant amounts of candy chocolate. Although I have to wonder, why did you take this test? Part of you is holding out for the day when you will find some rose-covered glasses so that you, too, can join the capitalist madness romantic grandeur of $500 rose bouquets and fancy-flavored breath mints.
*Disclaimer: This silly test is in no way meant to actually predict your Valentine’s Day plans. That being said, do not be freaked out when it comes true. And no, you may not retake for a different answer. Cupid will know. I will know.
