This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here
You know him by many names: Slop, Goop, That Disgusting Stuff On The Sidewalk, but he says he only goes by one: The Sludge. You’ve seen him. He showed up four months ago, hanging out by the sister dorms, standing on the sidewalk leading up to Heidi lounge. He’s usually surrounded by a puddle of water, and he sports leaves and sticks within his cloudy, hard body.
He greets everyone that walks by with a squelch or a wave of his left leaf. Those that pass by, though, don’t pay him the same respect. Preta Entious, seventh-year business and finance double-major, frowned at the simple mention of his name.
“It’s gross. That’s what it is. I have to walk all the way onto the grass to avoid being touched by its juice. It’s literally always wet. I can’t stand it,” Entious said, shuddering after nearly every sentence. “I don’t understand why PU hasn’t cleaned it up yet.”
Many others felt the same. In an anonymous survey sent out to four students about their opinions on The Sludge, all four skipped the numerical rating of the sludge and went straight to the bottom. Of the feedback I got, one read, “Ew,” two collectively read “WHO” and “ASKED,” and the last, the most passionate of the responses, read as follows:
“This is the stupidest fucking survey I have ever received in my life, and I’ve gotten one of those Syk-Pat class surveys in my inbox every day this semester. Genuinely what are you even talking about. It’s slop. On a sidewalk. What is a survey going to do about it. ‘Oh no! Something that’s meant to be outside is outside! On our sweet and dainty wittle campus!’ God, this is like people being pissed about the cockroaches. It’s a damn bug. It’s going to be outside. Don’t reach out to me again.”
The Sludge notices the hate he receives. According to him, it’s not only through anonymous surveys that people bully him; it’s to his cloudy white face too.
“I can’t say more than it just really hurts. I really try to do my best to be kind to people, and no one can see past my puddle,” Sludge said. “I just want to love people. I just want to be loved.”
Of all of the students the Trinibonian approached, only one had a positive response. Accuel E. Nuts, first-year performance major, met The Sludge two months ago and never passes up the chance to chat and “give him a pet.”
“He’s honestly a pretty cool dude. He says ‘hi,’ I say ‘hi,’ and then I just go on my way. That’s genuinely it. I promise. We don’t do anything else,” Nuts said. “He’s just really down to earth, so kind and understanding. I’ve never met someone who’s made me feel so loved, and I don’t understand why people feel so repulsed. He’s cute, and the wetness just makes it better.”
The Sludge brought up Nuts’s name and immediately stuck out all of his leaves and sticks. He said that Nuts was truly the only student on campus to show him that kind of friendship.
“God, I love Nuts so much. He’s sweet and smart and pretty easy on the eyes, even from down here. He just makes me feel so happy every time I see him. He makes me feel good,” Sludge said and turned pink at the comment.
When asked how he wanted to be treated by students, The Sludge emphasized kindness and simple acts.
“All you have to do is come up to me. Don’t avoid my puddle. I can’t help that,” Sludge said. “Everyone talks about how everything is part of PU, like the cats and the bees. I want to be part of that too. Just because I’m hard and wet doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect. That’s what I want people to know. I make up this community just as much as all of the other parts do, and I want people to know that — to treat me like that.”
