A Trinity University Police Department officer walks by my room, Room 237; heâ€™s thinking of his kids waiting for him at home, wondering why TUPD seems to be the popcorn maker of campus and if heâ€™ll finally get lucky and win the bet against his fellow officers on how many parking tickets theyâ€™ll issue this week. He doesnâ€™t notice anything out of the ordinary and moves on to a higher floor. Behind the door with nooks stuffed with Cosmopolitan magazines is a room violating various school, state, national, international and galactic laws; things are taking place that would make the Greeks blush and worthy of a high-five from the Dos Equis guy, a consummate gentleman and badass.
Meanwhile, your weekend is looking dull and youâ€™re aching for something more thrilling, more daring than playing Scattergories. My advice to you: DO NOT mimic the utterly inane activities of the people found in every college movie ever. I foresee roughly around zero cool montages and gratifying, fulfilling endings. There are plenty of movies out there that showcase the wild antics of college students though I wonâ€™t be going into much detail about specific deeds â€“ I know that it would be distasteful to the refined palates of the Trinitonian readers.
The movie that initially comes to mind is â€œNational Lampoonâ€™s Animal House.â€ This movie is probably the quintessential â€œcollegeâ€ movie. That said, it would be unwise to do, well, any of the scenes in the movie. The cafeteria scene where John â€œBlutoâ€ Blutarsky heaps plates and plates of food onto his tray then proceeds to get chased by a couple of snobby jerks. I already see red flags on that seemingly harmless scene. The people in charge of Mabee would have lots of problems with the running around and tackling. On a positive note, Bluto would probably be the one person on campus ecstatic about the all-you-can-eat Mabee.
Iâ€™ve never dared to go below a 4.0 GPA (truth meter: Ron Jeremy-sized nose) but Iâ€™m going to take a wild guess and assume that having 1.2 GPA be the high point of any organization would be very, very bad. Bluto maintaining a 0.0 GPA must be an achievement in itself.
Iâ€™m not certain if â€œWaterboyâ€ counts as a â€œcollegeâ€ movie but Iâ€™m not above bending definitions. Funneling your deepest and darkest emotions into rage tackling someone may not be the best way to pass college though Iâ€™m not certain if Trinity has an explicit no tackling professors rule. If nothing else, youâ€™d definitely be the talk of campus.
Iâ€™m 100 percent certain that mimicking the actions of the cast of â€œRevenge of the Nerdsâ€ â€“ militant frats, rape, general campus terror â€“ will land you in jail, regardless of the school.
Kicking it â€œOld Schoolâ€ during a mid-life crisis wouldnâ€™t be so improbable. Anybody can take a class at Trinity (almost) so starting your own fraternity is possible. The other parts of the story like the pool of KY Jelly (thatâ€™s actually a specific item on the room damages sheet) and that one guy dying may, surprisingly, be a problem with the administration.
â€œI donâ€™t always party hard but when I do, I go to Johnâ€™s room.â€ You got that right, Dos Equis guy.