Targeting Hollywood’s newest bachelors

It’s that time of year again, folks: mistletoe abounds before you, elaborate presents are exchanged between loved ones, happy couples are snuggled in each other’s arms. Ah, yes. It’s that time of year that likes to remind me of just how dreadfully single I am. However, where ordinarily you might find me sobbing about the frightful possibilities of my solitary future, this year shows some promise “” of the male Hollywood persuasion.

Turns out, 2012 has been a great year for calling it quits among celebrities. And this means I get to inform all of you single ladies out there just how to snatch these hottie bachelors and make them wish you were under their Christmas tree.

Target #1: Jef Holms
Jef Holms was the latest winner of “The Bachelorette” featuring Emily Maynard from Charlotte, North Carolina. However, the word is out that they are kaput as of late October! But now, how to attract him? He is the founder of People Water, a water bottle company that focuses on providing clean water to people in need, so I would start by talking about how concerned you are for the greater good and how much of a disgrace it is that people take more than they need, blah blah blah.

Target #2: Johnny Depp
I know I should be rather saddened by Johnny Depp’s breakup with long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis. But it’s not because I’m selfish and Johnny Depp is perfect and I want him to myself. But how to grab the brilliant actor? Well, Depp is definitely the artsy type and is best friends with Tim Burton “” so with that in mind I would start by being as weird as you could possibly be (that works all the time, right?). Costumes and makeup are also a must.

Target #3: Conor Kennedy
As a member of the Kennedy family and a recent bachelor to Taylor Swift in late October, oh man, how could you miss this guy? Allegedly, the two broke up on good terms “” but come on. We all know T-Swift will use this as an opportunity to make millions on a love song and, when she does, Conor is going to need someone to comfort him in the embarrassment of being made into yet again another Taylor Swift tune. That person is you.

Target #4: Tom Cruise
So of course Tom Cruise is a mess after his very public divorce from Katie Holmes this summer. He’s said to be focusing on his career and children “” but that doesn’t mean we can’t bat our eyes at him or provide a shoulder for him to cry on, right? My only piece of advice is to maybe be less than five feet seven inches tall so he doesn’t feel like he’s come up “short” in his relationship with you. Do you get it? He’s a very tiny man. I know, I’m clever.