Ben Affleck can’t even be a superhero like Daredevil

What everybody must understand before reading this is how much I love Ben Affleck. I loved him as the skinny star in Kevin Smith movies, I loved him taking on the romantic hero in “Pearl Harbor” and I even loved him when he wielded that macho paddle in “Dazed and Confused.”  “Good Will Hunting” and “Argo” are absolute masterpieces and Bennifer are a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. However, this good-looking, intelligent, 10-out-of-10 sun god needs to step back and reevaluate his life before he thinks he can get away with replacing a modern-day icon: Batman.

Here’s the thing: Ben Affleck is a bad actor.  He’s a beautiful, chiseled fool who doesn’t know how to read lines off paper the way good actors can.  Of course, he’s an amazing writer and acts all right in his own movies, but the moment it’s somebody else’s script, his skills go out the window. Watching him on-screen is like watching a gorgeous cardboard box being pointed at a camera.  Again, I loved movies “Argo” and “Good Will Hunting,” but Affleck’s acting has absolutely nothing to do with their critical acclaim.  They’d probably be better films if their casting had been reconsidered and actors with real skill (like, I don’t know, Christian Bale?) had been given the roles instead.

If we want to make a true prediction of Bale’s performance, the best thing we can do is compare it to another similar role of his. Unfortunately, that would mean seeing him in “Daredevil,” which is arguably the worst movie ever made.  It was painfully written, directed and, worst of all, performed.  I think he thought he could get away with putting on a tight spandex suit and crossing his eyes for 90 minutes, but nobody else in the entire universe agrees.  And, if he can’t even be a superhero like Daredevil, how can he be expected to carry the emotional baggage that Batman does?  It’ll be like cardboard trying to play wallpaper.

And, while Ben is beautiful as a man, I’m 100 percent sure he’d be 20 times more beautiful as a woman.  He’s got big doe eyes, cherry-red lips and a gently curved jaw-line.  I’d gladly get into a fight with that androgynous child simply to slip some of the lavender-scented hand lotion out of his pocket (because how else could he look so soft and sweet-smelling?).  At this point, Batman is supposed to look rugged and wise, not gentle and cherubic.  I’m not completely convinced that this man can even grow facial hair, so I won’t believe that this infant is the dark savior of Gotham City.  How will the criminals feel? They’re going to laugh at him.  I’m going to laugh at him.  It’s going to be a disgrace.

I understand that I might be mistaken and Ben Affleck could reinvent his entire image and skill level, but I highly doubt it.  Either way, the movie will be a terrible disaster, so everyone should go see it anyway.