Hello Trinity, it’s us, the squirrels. We haven’t talked much; however, we need to chat. We see you walking by, going about your day, in and out and in, and out; yet, rarely do you engage us; rarely, do you take the time to sit down and enjoy this beautiful campus … and more importantly, the majestic natural creatures that inhabit its trees. We squirrels are the marvel of the campus. We jump through the trees, we scamper through hills, parking lots and wooded areas. In sum, we live here too. However, it seems we do not get the recognition we deserve. You feed the Trinicats, you walk your dogs, you chat with your friends, you pet the cats, and this is all fine and dandy; yet, you do this while ignoring the squirrels; where are our snacks? #FeedTheSquirrels. With this said, we have some points that we want to make about how squirrels should be treated on this campus.

To start with, at Vassar, they have a myth that the squirrels are the ghosts of the unemployed English majors, and while we Trinity squirrels are made of tougher stuff (at the very least, we majored in history before failing at the job market), this seems to show an acknowledgment of squirrels not just as animals scampering to and fro among the grasses, but as quasi equals. This would be a nice start to redefining the relationship between the humans of Trinity and its bushy-tailed residents.

However, this status of equality is not enough for us Trinity squirrels. We are more than just the equals of the human residents of the campus; rather, we are, much like the Trinicats, your superiors and we demand to be treated with the due deference that this inherent superiority entails. #AppreciateUs. While we do not expect to be waited on paw and tail, at the very least, give us a tribute and offering of food, preferably unsalted nuts . This would help us feel appreciated and would fill our adorable tummies with delicious protein.

Second, we have noticed the favoritism shown to the cats of Trinity and, while respecting the synergy between cats and the Tiger mascot of Trinity, we have been a bit miffed about the lack of an attendant club to cater to, and feed, the squirrels. The University of Michigan has a Squirrel Club, where faculty and students come together to feed their squirrels. What we, the squirrels of Trinity, want to know why can’t Trinity form a Trinity Squirrel Alliance and provide us with enough food to lay around contentedly rather than scurrying around in a constant search for food? Are we not cute enough? Are our tails insufficiently bushy? Are you so intimidated by our majestic whiskers that you cannot make yourself approach us without of the fear a stray glance will knock you down? We the Trinity squirrels call for the formation of a squirrel alliance or, at the very least, more of you to feed us.

Finally, with this message we hope to change the culture of this campus and create an environment where the students, faculty, staff and — most importantly — the squirrels are recognized, appreciated and are able to enjoy the benefits of this beautifully majestic campus that has repaired the frayed relationship between the humans and the squirrels. You can follow us on Twitter at @trinitsquirrels and Instagram at @Trinitysquirrel. We hope to interact with you on the World Wide InterNut. Also, a spot on university committees would be nice. So long, and don’t get too nutty on us.