The Student News Site of Trinity University


The Student News Site of Trinity University


The Student News Site of Trinity University


Diary of a confused lesbian

Diary of a confused lesbian

Illustration provided by Ruby Walker

It was actually pretty easy for me to figure out that I like girls. I spent a lot of time in elementary school coming up with reasons to kiss my best friend Colette, ostensibly for “practice.” Then in sixth grade, I heard “I Kissed A Girl” by Katy Perry, and something in that mildly homophobic anthem of bi-curiosity spoke to me. I did some googling, took a few “Am I Gay?” quizzes on Quotev and settled in with my results.

Bisexuality: It’s a really good way to be! You have lots of options. The flag is very aesthetically pleasing, and healthy loving relationships are beautiful no matter who’s involved. However, in recent years I have discovered that I am not, in fact, bisexual, because I don’t like men. And for some reason that was really hard for me to admit!

I think it’s because we live in a society (we live in a society) where women are socialized to base our self-worth on men’s desire and approval. So it was really difficult for my massively insecure little 14-year-old self to tell the difference between “I want boys to like me because it means I’m pretty/good/desirable” and “I actually like boys.” In a journal entry from June 2018 I wrote, “I only really feel comfortable around girls, but does that make me a lesbian? Is that little nervous thrill I get when men pay attention to me attraction, or do I just like to be desired?”

Anytime I had positive feelings for a boy I thought, “Ah, this must be a crush,” but when I asked my friend Evan out in ninth grade and he actually said yes, I felt terrible. All of the feelings I thought I’d had immediately drained away, replaced by a panicked, hollow, dreadful emptiness.

I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I liked guys in theory — I just hated it when they actually reciprocated. My “crushes” included fictional characters, long-dead celebrities and effeminate boys from my class who were definitely gay.

All of this being said, I think that a look into my diary entries and notes-app notes from when I was in denial might be useful for anyone else out there who’s feeling as weird and confused as I was. Psst — you might be a lesbian, and it’s OK, I promise. It’s OK if you have to wonder about it for a really long time. It’s OK not to know. You’ll figure it out eventually. And until then, please enjoy this glimpse into my repression.

In November 2016, I wrote a very passionate journal entry after viewing the movie Carol: “Not only was it explicitly a story about women’s love (which I automatically care more about, for reasons known) it was also beautifully designed and acted. Every frame was art … If I am bisexual, I must be one who prefers kissing girls. Nothing wrong with that. I love the way two women fit in each other’s arms. The idea of it rings like kindness and clear blue … When I fantasize about men I’m always detached … Like I’m wondering what an unappetizing ice cream flavor tastes like. Am I a lesbian? I’m not ready to be … I guess we’ll see how it goes!”

From January 2017, displaying very strong and not at all ambivalent feelings towards my male friend: “Did I always like John, or only when he wasn’t ‘available’ to me? … It isn’t quite a crush. I don’t idolize him. He’s just kind of goofy sometimes … I remember cuddling, and that was nice … I like who he is. I’m 90 percent sure rejecting him twice wasn’t the way to get that across, though. I just think he deserves someone who doesn’t make him second guess himself. I’m always in a state of almost loving him.”

In March of 2017, I wrote, “Just like I’d felt with another boy in eighth grade, the pining fell away into revulsion. When I enter a relationship, suddenly everything means something. I didn’t want expectations — I didn’t want to be John’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to be anyone’s anything.” It was really easy to ignore my lack of genuine attraction to men when all relationships were automatically so nerve-wracking, just by virtue of my teenage insecurities.

In August of 2017, I wrote about a female friend, “I have SO MUCH affection for Jane — it makes me confused. I know I’m attracted to her. This isn’t that pining-crush I’m familiar with though. I don’t feel insecure. I trust her … I really just like being around her — this is SO MUCH better than extended one-sided angst … All I feel is warm fuzziness.”

Here’s an entry titled I’M GAY? + Anxiety from October of 2017. “I typed this message on Friday, at 9:50 p.m.: I’m bi I just don’t want to date or kiss men. Wait, what? I wouldn’t be able to say, ‘I’ve always known I was a lesbian,’ but maybe I could say, ‘I’ve always known something was wrong with me.’ In one way or another, I’d always sort of known that.”

So there I was, finally certain of my sexuality! Or not. I still had a lot of doubts, nagging thoughts that would pop into my head every so often. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m not a real lesbian? These doubts continued even after I got to Trinity! Then I started to think, well, I’ve never tried to get with a guy. (If the frat boy I kissed at that one party just to see if I liked dudes is reading this, bro, I’m sorry for using you to assuage my doubts. #StillGay. #SorryNotSorry.)

For closing remarks, I’ll just come out and say one thing: Sexuality is not about what you can handle, what seems fine or what you can tolerate in order to feel desirable or worthy. It’s about what you actively want. It’s about what makes you feel warm fuzzies, makes you want to get closer, makes you so happy you have to giggle like an idiot and babble to all your friends. Maybe I could theoretically be fine with a guy, but why would I do that when there are so many wonderful women in the world? Lesbian love and power forever!

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  • M

    miaJun 14, 2023 at 8:46 pm

    omg. i found this article at just the right moment in my life. i’ve sort of always known i was a lesbian but after coming out to my sisters i’ve been feeling this doubt of maybe i’m not or maybe i’m wrong. the final words really hit close to home. loves not about what i can tolerate. i need to remember that. thank you so much for this. i’m a lesbian and i’m so proud ❤️

  • S

    SevvalApr 4, 2023 at 4:28 pm

    I am 22 years old. This is the 2nd day of my life since it somehow dawned on me that I might very well be a lesbian instead of a bisexual woman. I turned the internet upside down to find this article and cried numerous times while reading it, stopping in between to think about my memories, about who I really am, who I have been all along. Thank you thank you thank you and thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate part of your life to help women like me questioning their identities. There really is no way I can thank you enough, all I can hope for you is to live a full, happy and healthy life. Thank you ♥

  • D

    DahliaDec 30, 2022 at 6:37 am

    I hope the author realises how many people she’s helped with this article!! I read it every once in a while to reassure myself that yes, I am a lesbian.

    • B

      BoneMay 6, 2023 at 5:04 pm

      Am just not sure

  • G

    GiselleJun 17, 2022 at 3:09 am

    OMFG…thank God this exist,, or I will be for ever confused,, thank you very much,, I didn’t knew I have the same experience with someone or I can relate with someone so much,, thank you for this fam

  • M

    MApr 26, 2022 at 8:44 am

    I’ve been out as bi for a few years now but I’ve always wondered if maybe I’m just a lesbian.

    I’ve only ever been in one serious relationship and it was with a girl who I absolutely adored. Plus, I’ve had crushes on female friends and celebrities. I don’t doubt that I’m attracted to women/non-men.

    However, my relationship with men has always been difficult. I was never super “desirable” to the guys at my school and I always wanted to be. Then one day a guy who I was kind of friends with but not really asked me out and I had a full-on breakdown. I assumed it was just because this guy was touchy and made strange comments but now, based on the situation I’m currently in, I’m rethinking it.

    There’s this guy who has been one of my best friends for about four years now. He’s funny, sweet, and cute. I had a crush on him when I first met him but then he had a girlfriend and then I had a girlfriend and it’s just sort of never worked out. However, now I’m single and I told a mutual friend that I really liked him again. He’s in a difficult situation with this girl who isn’t so great so our mutual friend encouraged me to go for it. But now that I’ve told someone about it and there’s even a slight possibility that it could lead to something more, I feel super anxious. Like, I was SO comfortable around him before but now thinking about the situation makes me kind of nauseous and makes my chest hurt.

    I don’t know if it’s because he’s a guy, if it’s just the feeling of having a crush that could possibly turn into more, or because I got out of a almost-two-year relationship about 5 months ago. I’m just super confused and none of my friends would understand because they’re pretty much all straight or bisexual.

    I just know that the idea of being with a woman makes me feel giddy and think about baking together and dancing in the kitchen and holding hands while I always feel so unsure about men. Plus it’s not like I don’t have male celebrity crushes. I don’t know, I just wish it was easier to figure out. It’s especially difficult because I don’t want to come out as a lesbian and then end up being wrong.

    -A confused, stressed-out queer girl

  • S

    SammieFeb 7, 2022 at 6:56 pm

    Hello, I really connected with you when you detailed about writing about your female friend saying, “I have SO MUCH affection for Jane — it makes me confused. I know I’m attracted to her. This isn’t that pining-crush I’m familiar with though. I don’t feel insecure. I trust her … I really just like being around her — this is SO MUCH better than extended one-sided angst … All I feel is warm fuzziness.”
    The “I don’t feel insecure” really hit me and my feelings towards men versus women. When I started realizing I liked women only about 2 years ago this was the difference I saw. I stumbled upon this article because I am struggling with my first relationship with a woman. For some background, I have never been with or dated men at all. My partner has started to notice how I act towards men in my life (very little) she notices how I seek to please them and has jokingly stated that I had a crush on one of them. I immediately get defensive and annoyed by that, but the way I am acting is not how I normally act, I am not sure why I am acting fake or defensive in this situation because I am 1001% sure I am in love with this woman with my whole heart and cannot imagine liking this man. So this begs the question of why I act the way I do around this man and others who seek friendship and why I acted so defensive and guilty when my partner called me out on it. I do not really know the answer besides I still seek validation and attention to any man who gives it because growing up no boys liked me at all and only showed interest in me to get to know my better-looking friends. I do not realize how much this has affected me into my adulthood. I am not sure how to prove myself to my partner and show her that I am only acting this way because of a traumatic childhood affected by horrible and mean boys and men. I feel as though I have just started to be secure in my queer identity until this moment where I question the motives behind my actions which I seem to have no control of. Well if someone wants to evaluate my life and see why I am this way that would be great 🙂 in the meantime waiting for therapy on waitlist lol.

  • R

    Ruby WalkerAug 17, 2021 at 2:35 pm

    Dear Anonymous,

    Virginity is a social construct and it’s bullshit. My friends and I have decided it doesn’t count if it wasn’t consensual. A lot of us have been through similar things. I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor myself and I want to acknowledge the bravery you showed in putting what you’ve been through into words, even anonymously. Sex while one person is unconscious isn’t consensual. Your ex boyfriend raped you. I’m so sorry. That doesn’t have to count as your first time.

    You also sound like you’re a lesbian. I hope things have been good for you over the last year. I hope you’re okay. If you go to Trinity, and you ever need a friend to talk to, or just to hang out and not talk about it, I’m gonna be living on campus next semester. Come say hi! I have a blonde mohawk, you’ll see me around.

    Belated love and solidarity,

  • C

    CherryAug 2, 2021 at 5:40 pm

    Hey, this has ticked the boxes of my confusion. I was married for 7 years and had a son with my ex-husband. After coming out of the relationship I just completely changed into liking MASC women. And although I know myself that I really fancy girls now, I just sort of like the feeling that I can still attract men?
    But wouldn’t entertain them when they started giving me a hint because I know I like girls. I’m so confused

  • D

    DanielleMar 27, 2021 at 3:40 pm

    The way you described a feeling of emptiness when a guy reciprocated feelings is EXACTLY how I get! I’m also attracted to men but when it comes down to it, I never want to date them. Makes me so uncomfortable. I’m much happier and more myself with women. Thank you for this entry it’s nice to know I’m not alone!

  • A

    AnonymousFeb 12, 2021 at 10:35 am

    This was helpful but I have some questions. I’m a girl who likes girls and I think maybe guys. I’ve only really recently come to terms with being bi and I came out to my sister and two friends and that’s it. I went to a really open minded boarding school for a while but for several reasons I’m now at a super conservative christian school where I hear at least once a week from one of my teachers that being gay is a sin. Anyway so I’ve always sort of known I liked girls but I was so sure I also liked guys. It was sort of a way for me to rationalize my sexuality like maybe if I could just end up with a guy no one would have to know. Now I’m starting to think maybe I don’t like guys at all. I lost my virginity to an ex-boyfriend while unconscious so I guess you could say that wasn’t great. But I’ve also only ever dated guys so how do I even know what being with a girl is even like? I’ve sort of found that I like the idea of being with a guy and being like protected or whatever but in practice once I’m with a guy it’s like I only enjoy it if I’m drunk or high and even then it’s like once I know a guy likes me back and we start to date I lose all interest. I don’t know if that makes me a lesbian or a bisexual whose only dated the wrong people or just an attention whore. I know I like girls and I think I might like guys but I don’t know how to tell and I don’t know what to do to find out so if anyone has any thoughts that would be super helpful because I’m confused and don’t really have anyone to talk to about this kind of thing.

  • H

    HeiliDec 30, 2020 at 9:03 am

    That’s beautiful! I feel exactly the same way! Thank you for sharing!