Dear Reader,

Let me begin by saying, we hear you. You being nervous makes so much sense, and your feelings are very valid. Relationships — especially a first relationship — can be incredibly nerve-racking. A common sentiment for individuals stepping into dating for the first time is “having my first relationship in college means I’m so behind!”

In this regard, I assure you: you are not an outlier, and you are not behind. There are so many people in all phases of college and life who have never been in a relationship before. Even if they have, each relationship will likely be vastly different than the last — everyone has to relearn every time.

I believe it is important to lay my ideal groundwork for a relationship. There are quite a few toxic relationships out there, and I do believe that a healthy base can lead to a better experience overall. Both individuals and their current mental states are so important.

Ask yourself, dear reader: Are you someone who feels fulfilled? Do you have positive hobbies and friends? If the answers are “yes” for both, then I would say “proceed with cautious optimism.”

Now, if your answers are doubtful, dubious or demure, might I suggest a little more introspection? The core of my advice here is to approach this relationship with the understanding that it cannot be your everything, and it cannot fix your lack of self-fulfillment. New relationships can feel all-consuming, but I caution you, perhaps cynically, not to lose yourself in the excitement: Do not base your whole life around a significant other.

Maintain your relationships with friends and family, hobbies, academics, extracurriculars and alone-time. A committed relationship can take up quite a bit of time and mental energy, and you must be sure to maintain a healthy balance in your life. Your normal day-to-day life will likely change because of a relationship, and I advise against allotting too much of your time to your partner.

The beginning of a relationship is a great time to ask yourself important questions. What do you value? And what might your partner value?

Because the ultimate goal, I think, is to enjoy the time you have with your partner, and not to leave either you or your partner in emotional distress — that sucks! If you both have similar goals in mind, then chances are, your time together will be mutually fulfilling. So ask yourself, “What do I want?”

“But what if I don’t know what I want?” In such a case, I believe it is okay to let yourself experience things you’re unsure about. Give yourself grace — you don’t have to know right away. Over time, your experiences and resulting feelings may offer clarity on what you want. I like to think of this approach as “gathering data.” Not to separate yourself from these experiences, but to allow yourself to learn from them. This can be difficult.

“I don’t want to get hurt?” is a valid concern, and to that I say, give yourself permission to feel. Even negative experiences, maybe more so than positive ones, can help you learn the most about yourself. Here, the danger of letting a relationship consume your whole life returns. If the relationship is not what you want, then you have discovered something about yourself — you have only gained, and you still have yourself and your positively full life… #happilysingle.

Now, I can talk about these ideals all day, and eventually, we will get to my final piece of advice: Listen to how you feel.

In a relationship, it is so, SO important to really listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you. Notice how your partner makes you feel, both when you’re around them and when you are not physically together. Are you excited? Paranoid? Indifferent? Joyful? If the goal is, once again, to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship — this is invaluable information.

Know your feelings may not feel like you once imagined. As someone, I’m assuming, who is “entering a relationship for the first time” and views themselves as being “behind the curve,” you may have developed an ideal of what this relationship could look like. This is tricky because you must not operate from your ideal of the ‘correct’ relationship. Instead, I think it is best to remain open-minded, and most of all, listen to what your feelings are telling you. How you feel is evidence of what you value and what you want.