Go to class sick

University pushes for all students to overcome ailments and become better individuals

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here

Trinity University announced a groundbreaking joint initiative by the Student Government Association (SGA), Health Services, Student Life Services (SLS), and the biology department on March 30. The plan, effective immediately, urges students to attend class with all existing health conditions and ailments. To enforce this, students will be given various diseases and encouraged to spread them to the wider community.

The push for this policy began within the Doughmaker Lab, which specializes in molecular virology and innate immunology. The group started an effort to educate the wider Trinity community on their recent findings after a three-year study on the topic of herd immunity.

Through rigorous research, the lab discovered that herd immunity can be applied to every disease, allowing for immunity to be made as long as enough people receive the ailment.
Edrice Kle, senior biology and business double-major, led the research team for this study and expressed his excitement for the positive results that will come to the university following the implementation of their findings.

“Our study found that herd immunity is more widely applicable than common knowledge generally thinks,” Kle said. “Being exposed to all types of diseases allows for the human immune system to more readily and efficiently improve and build upon itself.”

After the Doughmaker lab released its findings, the next move was to get SLS on board with applying this research to the Trinity campus. Dedicated to improving and enhancing the student experience, SLS used the guidance of the researchers and appointed four student ambassadors to spread diseases throughout campus as soon as possible.

With this, immunity will be spread at the same time, leaving students equipped to overcome all illnesses. Each ambassador will be assigned an immunity-building title corresponding to the ailment that the biology department will transfer to them. The proposed plan aims to have a designated student spread the following diseases: the common flu, herpes, smallpox, and the bubonic plague.

Remi Frown, dean of students, sponsored the plan immediately after hearing about it. Watching students develop immunity to diseases perfectly aligns with Frown’s goal of bringing students together on campus.

“Going to class sick may seem counterintuitive to properly learning, but we’re hoping to see students come together through this new initiative,” Frown said. “Having students sharing the same air, coughing together, sharing drinks, the works, this will all go to strengthen our roaring Trinity tigers.”

The student ambassadors who have volunteered to assist with sharing the diseases are none other than the student body’s representatives in SGA. To expedite the process, SGA encouraged students to act whenever they see any SGA member.

Ellie Carbonara, sophomore computer science major, is one of the SGA senators who stepped up into the ambassador role. With her new position, she looks forward to her interactions with other students.

“When walking on campus, anyone who encounters an SGA member should share a drink or cough with one another,” Carbonara said. “If they are feeling up to it, even kiss them. I know I’m definitely down for that.”

With students adjusting to this transition, Student Life Services have utilized the tuition of the students to aid in the shift. In paying upwards of $65,000 per year, Frown wants individuals to understand that skipping a class, especially for a menial excuse such as being sick, means throwing hundreds of dollars down the drain. This money is directed towards making Trinity the top liberal arts college in the country, but that will never happen without the pristine attendance of every student.

The plan has not been without its share of setbacks. Two individuals within Health Services have vehemently rejected the initiative. One is Kim Short, a biology professor who attended Stanford University. After receiving an undergraduate degree in biochemistry, she completed her M.D. at Johns Hopkins, specializing in student welfare and virology.

“This plan is utter nonsense,” Short said. “Students should prioritize their health when it comes to their work-life balance. Losing the health aspect of that causes everything to fall apart and can lead to more detriments in the long run.”

Short was fired shortly after making these statements publicly.

Trinity University’s organizations have high hopes for this initiative, as many sentiments have been overwhelmingly in favor of it. SGA has reflected the voice of the students, and individuals such as Carbonara continue to look forward to the change.

“Every single SGA meeting is now full of cough-filled cheers of joy,” Carbonara said. “I’m excited to go to class sick. Otherwise, why would I even attend college?”