Illustration by Andrea Nebhut

Aries

Oh, Aries. Nothing is complete without a battle for you. Always ready to confront, you’ve probably never had a problem with getting your thoughts across. But next time, why don’t you just ask your roomie to watch “Terrace House” on Netflix instead?

Taurus

Steady and reliable, the crazy plant lady of the signs, can you even see through all the green in your way right now? Move a fern, place a succulent outside and greet your roommate again. We all need a little bit of watering from time to time.

Gemini

You’re a great conversationalist, Gemini. You really are. But sometimes your roommate just needs to go to class! Take all those wild thoughts, à la Rihanna, and start a bullet journal. By the second week, you will have given up, but in the margins you will find a sketch for your next impulse tat.

Cancer

Long nights of discussing feelings has gotten you nowhere in your sleep schedule, Cancer. Maybe next time you want an after-hours therapy sesh with your roommate, you should just go to Taco Bell instead. I know, it’s kind of far from campus. But
on the drive over your thoughts will finally align.

Leo

Are you even reading this, Leo, or do you have no time left for the stars? Your latest social interactions always fill you with enough energy to move you onto the next. But at the end of the day, it’s your roommate who puts up with your constant streaming of NYT’s “The Daily” podcast.

Virgo

Are you organizing your book collection for the third time this month, Virgo? Some of us haven’t cleaned our clothes since 2018 — looking at you, Aries. Not
recommending that method, but why don’t you take a break and ask your roommate to get a Freshii bowl?

Libra

Always gracious and never not indecisive, air sign, the last thing you would want as would be a conflict. But when was the last time you talked openly to your roommate about how you felt? Next time it’s absolutely freezing in your room, try taking steps to ask in a reasonable manner. Or just find a sweater.

Scorpio

We get it, Scorpios. You have lots of sex. But have you thought about what it feels like to come home to a sock on the doorknob every night? Maybe take a break and try inviting your roomie to your next séance. It will be a fun bonding op. — and the best way to find out their darkest secrets.

Sagittarius

It’s always a party until it’s over, fire sign. You love to have a great time, but your roommate wants you to know they’ve thought your music was a bit too loud this whole time and they don’t really love Taylor Swift as much as they made it seem. That’s all.

Capricorn

When was the last time you left the lib and came home, Capricorn? Your roommate misses you — or fears you long dead. Check back in, ask them on a Mabee date and stare at the ceiling as Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” plays at 2 p.m. on Saturday.

Aquarius

We all benefit greatly from learning about the latest documentary you watched on Scientology. Your roommate had never even heard of NXIVM until you brought it up. Not everything is a conspiracy theory, though, Aquarius. Maybe try shutting your laptop and going to sleep once in a while.

Pisces

Aren’t you supposed to be a water sign? Why are you trying to waste it all away with your two-hour-long showers? The world is not “The Shape of Water,” Pisces, and you are not Sally Hawkins. Try to cut your shower time in half. The planet and your roommate will thank you.