This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

Following complaints about the chaos and randomly selected times for course registration, Trinity has changed the process. Now a sequence of physical challenges, students will have to fight for their places in their desired classes.
The competition will consist of several rounds of competitions. These rounds will include a footrace, tug-of-war competition, and several instances of one-on-one fighting. Uma Sless, a counselor in the academic advising office, commented on the new system’s advantages.
“The one-on-one fighting is the most important part, in my opinion,” Sless said. “It’s vital that we get students in direct opposition to each other. We want to encourage the competitive spirit and backstabbing between the student body commonly associated with course registration, and this is the best way we could find to advance that goal.”
Kurt Orback, first-year psychology major, was one of the students who expressed excitement about the new competition. Orback mentioned that although upper-level psychology classes can be difficult to get into, he was confident about his chances.
“I’m feeling pretty good about my registration this semester,” Orback said. “The new system means that students can train for the process, as opposed to relying on pure luck for their registration time. I’ve been on a training plan since September and I’m definitely seeing the benefits now.”
Some students were less excited about the new process. Stan Key, junior computer science, mathematics, and physics triple-major, commented on the unfairness of the switch.
“Personally, I think it disadvantages certain groups of students that may be less athletically skilled,” Key said. “But for some reason, the competition for MATH-7994, Solving Unsolvable Problems, doesn’t look too tough this year, so I’m not overly worried.”
Although some students have reservations, things look promising for the future of this system. After seeing the preliminary effects of this system in pre-registration, members of the academic advising office are hopeful.
“I think we have something really good here,” Sless said. “We’re always trying to set ourselves apart at Trinity, and this is yet another advantage of attending a small, private, academically rigorous, liberal arts college.”