This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
On April 1, one student anonymously revealed that they married the LeeRoy statue in a small, private ceremony this past month. The senior, alongside their friends and family, an officiant, and LeeRoy gathered in front of the Bell Center at sunrise on Wednesday during spring break to celebrate the union with a traditional ceremony.
The wedding began around 5 a.m. and was just under an hour, allowing just enough time for the student to read both of their vows, the priest to quickly officiate the marriage, and the exchange of the wedding bands. The guests carried in a tall white wedding altar and white linen-covered chairs. The ceremony was scattered with bouquets of white and maroon flowers, and soft, romantic music played in the background. All of this to celebrate their “special connection,” the student professed in an interview.
“It just felt right. I’m not actually in love with a statue of a tiger. That would be ridiculous. I know that. I’m not crazy. But I can’t deny that there’s definitely a special connection between us,” the student said. “He was just always there: every morning when I went to swim practice, every night after I worked out. He’d just be there, waiting for me. I decided I wanted him there always, so it just felt like the right thing to do.”
Despite their efforts to conceal the ceremony and their identity, many students realized who the groom was. As the president of student council and a prominent figure on campus for their outgoing and talkative demeanor, it did not take long for students to connect the dots, and the new ring on their finger did not help his case. Stuart Dent, sophomore business major and classmate of the newly-wed, heard about the news through a friend and confirmed it after seeing the wedding band in their shared class. Dent affirmed that the union did not bother him and attempted to understand his peer’s actions.
“It’s a really nice statue, I guess,” Dent said. “I just can’t imagine being his mother.”
But the student’s mother showed support for her child. She funded the whole ceremony, paying for the decorations and flowers and even flying a few loved ones in from out of state. Beyond the wedding, she’s paying for the honeymoon too: a romantic getaway to a couple’s spa and hot springs.
“Hopefully, if all goes to plan, I get him out of here for the night. My mom rented an excavator to help me, and since he’s my husband now, they have no right to tell him what he can and can’t do,” the student said. “I’ll bring him back, don’t worry. I just wanted the two of us to have the chance to get away, you know? Relax and celebrate. He’ll come back a new man.”