This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

In three years when the Trinity dorms inevitably break down again and require another round of renovations, it is imperative to include an extremely important and often overlooked luxury: thinner walls. Thinner walls promote everything from environmentalism to egalitarian attitudes.
Trinity would benefit from and become a much more equitable place with thinner walls. Witt-Winn Hall and Prassel Hall are known to have thin walls that carry sound very well. This is unfair to students in dorms with thicker walls who don’t have the important benefit of superb acoustic clarity. The implementation of campus-wide thinner walls would put every student on the same level and decrease notions of “superior” dorms. Furthermore, one of the best parts about Trinity is the tight-knit community. It’s cruel to take away a student’s ability to keep up-to-date on the campus happenings just because they’re in their dorm.
Thinner walls would teach two valuable life lessons to Trinity students: how to mediate conflicts and how to shut the hell up. College is supposedly all about adapting to “the real world.” Those early Tuesday afternoon slobbery smooches you hear come from your suitemate’s room may not currently bother you enough to pound their door down, but with thinner walls, it certainly would. An aural panopticon would ensure every student has a sense of high respect for their peers. Learn how to calm your wallmates down when they repeatedly slam their head against their desk because of having to change their network password for the seventh time this semester.
Every student would become a healthier and more productive member of society with the implementation of thinner walls. Even food etiquette would improve with thinner walls. Say goodbye to slurping up your ramen like a lion with gazelle entrails. Completely forget about junk foods. Bite a potato chip too loud? Congratulations, your entire floor hates you.
Thinner walls also save the environment. The elimination of such unwieldy walls would let air conditioners cool residence halls more efficiently and save money. Thinner walls would also be more material-efficient. Cutting each 2×4 stud in half would produce a 2×2 of the same size. We could build a second Dicke Hall with all that lumber — talk about a green initiative! Thinner walls even make life more comfortable. In an average dorm room, a simple reduction in wall thickness of an inch could increase the space by up to a whole six square feet. It’s a win-win for everyone!
From promoting increased environmental consciousness to a more mature attitude, thinner walls are for everyone. Whether maintenance helps me or not, I will sacrifice my own dorm room to this renovation to prove this change is worth it campus-wide. Advocate for thinner walls today. You won’t regret it.