This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
At the beginning of the year, Trinity’s Chamamber Singers went to a retreat at Moo Ranch, an abandoned farmhouse in the middle of the woods, for intense choir bonding. The Cahamber Singers partook in various team-building activities such as the human knot, traditional Trinity choir vocal exercises, and learning about the wonders and righteousness of Father Moo.
Dick Johnson, freshman tenor and basket weaving major, talked about the welcoming staff and the accommodations the choir received.
“The staff called each other ‘Brother’ and ‘Sister,’ and they were so welcoming to us. They even gave us this special ranch-made mushroom tea,” Johnson said. “I remember when I was drinking my tea, I felt this oneness with my choir and with the life-song of the universe and that in this macro-instant I would commune with the center-god of the universe that is Moo. Also, the grass was making little shapes, and I thought it was funny.”
Hugh Jass, junior bass and underwater basket weaving major, also describes the choir bonding exercises.
“Yeah, we had this exercise where we would harmonize and one kid was out of tune. Brother Eric Whitacre and Brother Craig Hella Johnson led him into the woods. Nobody’s seen the kid since and I heard he dropped out right after the retreat,” Jass said. “We did another bonding exercise where we threw the super seniors off a cliff so that their life essence could make the choir more successful. I felt that brutally murdering our oldest members really allowed us to build a sense of community and brotherhood.”
Fani Pusi is a sophomore undeclared major. It is crucial to know she is just an alto. Pusi outright accused Moo Ranch of being a cult and alleged that the retreat was an attempt at recruiting the Chrrambre singers.
“Some of the activities were all right, but I felt that sacrificing one of the tenors by stuffing him inside a wicker man and then burning him alive while we all danced around him was a little intense,” Pusi said. I’m worried about some of the kids who really enjoyed their time there. Some people I know want to work there after graduation and — what are you all doing here? I’m in an interview right now. Wait, no! Let me go! I promise I’ll never besmirch the name of Father Moo again! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Shortly after this interview for the Trinibonian, Fani Pusi dropped out of Trbity University. If you want to join our family, we’re just a few hours away from San Antonio.
All hail Father Moo!
