This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

Stephen Edwin King is one of the most respected writers to have ever lived, with many of his novels and short stories being adapted into some of the most iconic films of all time, including “The Shining,” “Misery,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” and “Stand By Me.” There’s no denying how good of a writer he is, and that’s coming from somebody who doesn’t know how to wread or rite.

However, something seems to have changed recently. You can feel it in the air. You can hear the whispers among the trees: His books are far too long. At this point in time, barely anybody even reads anymore, so it’s about time that books are no more than 200 pages.

“It,” in particular, is an egregious example of King’s overly-long books. At a whopping 1,165 pages, this novel is an outrageous and borderline masturbatory length that can never be justified, even if the story is really that good. However, I do find it funny that people have somehow, in the year of our lord 2024, now just discovered the book is that long, even though it was originally published back in 1986.

Seems to me that people were too busy complaining about the novel’s numerous instances of graphic violence against children to even think about the fact that a novel of this length can waste the time of the reader and transform them into the biggest monster of our generation: a nerd.

Which is why I feel the need to ask Stephen King to stop. Length does not directly correlate with quality or brilliance. While you are indubitably a writer worthy of such worldwide renown, it is incredibly important for you to recognize that it is perfectly adequate to delete some of your superfluous words and pages. Otherwise, we, the readers of your work, may have to eventually take drastic measures and “cancel” you on the world wide webs. Heed this warning, or know thy fury.

The writer of this piece was found to have been sniffing glue for days, explaining the bizarre nature of his writing. Please forgive him, he’s a bit of an idiot.