Trinitonian

Hey, watch out! Scooters are on the rise at Trinity

The incoming scooter-only lanes may impede travel through upper campus

Al K. Seltzer, False Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. After receiving many complaints about students on electric scooters hitting passersby on the sidewalks, Trinity...

Robot Takeover: AI runs writing center

Due to budget constraints, writing tutors are now AI

Bonica Bartinez, Snooze Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. When essays are due, professors often urge students to consult the Writing Center. Starting next semester, this...

Course registration changes to series of student battles

Students hope the new system will signal a change in academic advising

Bierra Boode, Snooze Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. Following complaints about the chaos and randomly selected times for course registration, Trinity has changed...

Operation Blackout: Trinity’s response to drinking on campus

Optimal Buzz reincarnated, seeking to promote healthy habits for students

Boshua Bitra, Snooze Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. Operation Blackout debuted last Friday to rave reviews, providing promising feedback for the initiative backed...

Renting sex toys: Safety hazard or sexual necessity?

Wellness Services now rents out sex toys as part of their condom project

Barper Born-Blegg, Snooze Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. After the success of the Condom Project by Health and Wellness Services in partnership with the San Antonio AIDS...

New master plan aims to make Trinity really stand out

University pinky promises construction won’t take that long

Tara Hunter-Gatherer, Predator-in-Beef • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. With the increasingly large number of undergrad applicants and Trinity’s recent classification as a national...

Our walls aren’t thin enough

How one simple renovation could elevate Trinity’s status to a whole new level

Connel Angus, Opinion Columnist • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. In three years when the Trinity dorms inevitably break down again and require another round of renovations, it...

The real reason CSI is always on fire

Dr. Ugaddict, Opinion Columnist • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. First Cocaine Bear, then Methgator, and now we have Meth Rats. The rats are cooking meth. It’s no secret...

Three years is not enough. We need a lifetime residency requirement.

Bean Benry Bach, Copy Editor • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. One of our glorious university’s most distinct features, other than its circumcised tower and Michelin-starred...

Student marries LeeRoy statue in private ceremony

Anonymous student makes the ultimate lifetime commitment to Trinity mascot

Ham Gristle, Snooze Editor • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. On April 1, one student anonymously revealed that they married the LeeRoy statue in a small, private ceremony...

New installment announced to improve Trinity’s accessibility

Trinity motions to build a chairlift and zipline between upper and lower campus

Al K. Seltzer, False Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. We protested, and Trinity finally responded. In light of a student-led protest regarding the accessibility of...

Trinity student celebrates a particularly nasty 19

Students share their concerns over recent birthday fountain dunk contamination

Walmart Ratrut, False Reporter • April 4, 2024

This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian. The birthday fountain dunk is a long-standing tradition many students look forward to when committing to Trinity....