This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
We protested, and Trinity finally responded. In light of a student-led protest regarding the accessibility of Trinity’s campus, the school has decided on a solution. This summer, Trinity has decided to improve accessibility between upper and lower campus by installing a zipline and chairlift. The zipline will bring students from the top of Murchison Tower to just outside the baseball field, and the chair lift will run alongside the zipline, bringing students back up to the top of Murchison Tower.
It appears as though this plan has been underway since they started remodeling the tower, but the information has only just been released about this specific remodeling project. R.D. Tagraduate, junior conspiracy theories major, had some thoughts after hearing about this development.
“I figured Trinity was planning something just because the tower has been under construction for so long,” Tagraduate said. “I guess this solution may fix the problem, but I think some hiccups have to be figured out. I just hope the tower is open for my graduation so I can walk up the stairs to get my class ring.”
Without an official statement from the school yet, students are left to guess why the administration chose this solution over others. While some would like to believe that Trinity decided this as a way of listening to its students, others believe that they decided to fix accessibility on campus to boost admissions.
As for the logistics, the apparatus will attach to Murchison Tower, and students will need to get out of the chairlift and climb down the spiral staircase to get to classes on upper campus. Some say this may completely undermine these accessibility efforts, but it appears the plan will still move forward. Jala Peño, junior rational thinking major and Orientation Team leader, expressed anger after hearing of this solution.
“I was an O-Team leader last summer, and I can tell you, it took us four score and seven years to figure out how to get students who had accessibility needs to the upper campus without using stairs. I don’t even want to think about how long it would take to get down the tower staircase — and, you know, without getting hit by a brick,” Peño said.
The Trinity Facilities team that came up with this plan has declined an interview but has made it clear that this has been the plan and will continue to be the plan. Hopes of having the project done before fall classes are strong, although only time will tell.
