This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

The birthday fountain dunk is a long-standing tradition many students look forward to when committing to Trinity. Although hundreds of students look forward to participating in this tradition every year, it may soon come to an end. Recently, freshman Esti Dee celebrated her 19th birthday by taking part in the annual fountain birthday dunking. It was all fun and games until a few days following when she suspected the propagation of a bacterial infection.
“The day of my birthday was filled with a lot of excitement,” Dee said. “I was really looking forward to jumping in the fountain because they had talked about it on all the tours I went on.”
After waking up with an uncontrollable rash a few days later, Dee decided to go to Health Services. Dee was later diagnosed with a bacterial infection resembling syphilis.
“It is a little embarrassing, but hey, it’s good for the plot,” Dee said. “I guess you could say it really is going to be a nasty 19.”
While it isn’t a surprise that the fountain’s sterility has been brought to question, the origins of such an infection have been a mystery. Campus officials have begun an investigation into how STDs are running rampant in the fountain. River Spout, the newly hired vice president of fountain activities, has put this investigation at the top of his priorities, and has begun to question the integrity of students.
“The fountain and its traditions play a large role in Trinity’s campus atmosphere,” Spout said. “It is at the utmost urgency that we come to the bottom of the fountain contamination. Until then, the fountain will be drained.”
With concerns about water wastage, the Environmental Justice Action Committee (EJAC) wrote a proposal to repurpose the drained water into the faucets of Mabee Dining Hall. Murphy Martin, junior environmental studies and underwater basket weaving double-major and president of EJAC, spearheaded the proposal alongside the three members of EJAC. This will allow the water to be repurposed, with hopes of increasing the immunity of students.
“It’s outrageous to simply drain the fountain,” Martin said. “The incident was a one time thing and shouldn’t really have any effect on students who drink the water.”
The origins of the syphilis still remain unknown. However, in view of several recent Fizz posts, it may seem that fraternity Sigma Lambda Gamma may have had some involvement in the syphilis’ development.
Keanu Stevens, sophomore biology major, may be able to provide eyewitness testimony. After a long night studying in the Center for the Sciences and Innovation, Stevens stumbled upon the fraternity members joining hands around the fountain.
“It was really unsettling,” Stevens said. “They kept chanting ‘Pee Pledges’ in a circle while their new members were holding hands, circling the fountain in the nude.”