This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
As of March 21, at the last SGA Finance Committee Meeting, SGA has officially approved self-help guru and television personality Dr. Phil McGraw’s endless requests to visit Trinity University for “A Week Phil of Fun.”
During his week here, he will embark on several projects, including a live episode of Dr. Phil exposing the anonymous runner of the TU Complaints account on Instagram. He also plans to lecture in Dicke Hall on the psychological effects of over-caffeination, as he has found Trinity to be a clinical case. Most excitingly, Dr. Phil will shoot the pilot for his new show, “College Life with Phil,” where he goes to various universities throughout the United States and experiences a day in their life.
The TV personality aims to “broaden [his] outreach to more than just women in their middle to late 40s.” Though this is an ambitious objective, SGA president Manny Win commented on his excitement about hosting such an acclaimed, influential figure.
“After meeting with Dr. Phil, we are sure that this project aligns with the initiatives here at Trinity University,” Win said. “Not only will he be here to make Trinity a better place, but I think we can all relate to his goal to appeal to more than just 40-year-old women, am I right?”
Alongside Win’s excitement to host Dr. Phil, Alicia Penderpot, a member of Alpha Cai, spoke on a question that has the student body going absolutely feral: will Dr. Phil attend Bombay Bicycle Club, the popular bar near and dear to the students’ hearts.
“I just hope he makes it to Bays on Thursday,” Penderpot said. “He’s like not going to get the full experience at Trinity without ThursBays.”
This concern over whether Dr. Phil will go to Bombay’s Bicycle Club on Thursday has given rise to a strong force within the student body. TU Complaints has several posts up with concerns, and posters have emerged around campus exclaiming, “We want Phil at Bays!” and “Give us our Bae, Phil, at Bays!” At this point, Dr. Phil has refused to comment on his pending decision to attend.
On filming the pilot for his new show, “College Life with Phil,” Dr. Phil commented on what it will all look like and his intentions in pursuing his new television series.
“I want to dive into the deep end of college chaos — uncovering the wild world of dorm drama, questionable dining options, and the art of procrastination,” Dr. Phil said. “I want to show America how to crack the code of college life.”
Dr. Phil’s new series will include his episodic visits to different colleges around the United States, and his first episode will feature Trinity, a university Dr. Phil established was his “first pick from the start.” He made this decision based on student demographics, such as our population of 85.92% of 18-21 year olds. Since announcing Dr. Phil’s arrival at Trinity, however, middle-aged women have flooded Trinity’s admissions staff with requests to tour on campus the week of the 8th in hopes of connecting with Dr. Phil.
