This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

Wistopher B. Cray, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, revealed that Trinity University has been under investigation for the alleged embezzlement of $420,699,000. The director made a public statement at a press conference on April 1 at 8:05 a.m. from the FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. This information incited outrage, scrutiny, and disillusionment within the higher education community. Vabezza “Cashmoney” Breezly, president of Trinity University, has not commented on the matter, resulting in turmoil amongst students, staff, and alumni.
Cray clarified that the investigation has been underway for the past 10 years, after the IRS discovered inconsistencies within the reported income of the university. He elaborated that the IRS received an anonymous tip via Form 3949-A in 2014, which prompted the initial investigation. Cray added that the money trail is not linked to any specific individual, but rather to the entire university administration team which is the sole access holders of the university’s financial records.
“We have worked closely with the Department of Justice to collect financial information. Federal prosecutors Dorrian Sabbas and Gobbán Adrastos, both of whom will file charges for felony embezzlement later today, will present the case from an evidence-based, factual approach. I hope that a swift verdict will be reached regarding this matter, for the sake of higher education and justice in America,” Cray said.
Furthermore, Cray disclosed that over the years, unnamed individuals have transferred money directly from Swiss banks into a variety of offshore accounts — which were fraudulently reported in Form 990-T. The false reports included tens of millions of dollars, labeled as charitable donations to the Underground Charity 501(c)(3), which were later rerouted to Trump Hotels, previously known as Trump Hotel Collection (THC).
“There is something sketchy going on here, and not to name any names, but the board of directors are undoubtedly involved. I must admit that such embezzlement is ingenious. If we did not have U.S. marshals on standby at the university and the arrest warrant on the judge’s desk, I would’ve recommended that all those involved take whatever money they have left and run,” Cray said. “But, of course, you cannot run from justice. We will find you.”
Rebecca Harrison, project manager of the Finance and Administration Division at Trinity, maintains that she has reviewed prior 990-T forms only to find that they were replaced with a “concerning video.” Harrison mentioned that she is currently considering resigning from her position due to the potential backlash from the Trinity community. Nevertheless, she insists that she is innocent.
“I would have taken the money and left the country. Why would I still be here if my money is overseas in Switzerland? Money makes me do strange things,” Harrison said.
Zane Vladislav, junior finance major, expressed his concern regarding the future employment opportunities for Trinity students, especially those within the finance department. He added that the professors have openly expressed their distress, as his finance professor resigned after teaching for 10 years.
“I did not work these past three years to end up jobless following graduation. It is a shame that such an incident can occur at Trinity — my academic advisor suggested that I file for transfer as soon as possible. I am considering that, and so are many other students,” Vladislav said.