This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.

Trinity University’s Cat Alliance (CAT) is a registered student organization dedicated to caring for our beloved Trinicats. However, the coalition has grown, and its primary purpose is no longer a groundbreaking Trap-Neuter-Release program. Instead, the Trinicat-loving group has now dedicated its existence to creating a civil society for our feline friends, and its first step was to create a functioning democracy. CAT hopes to create a government free of flaws and disagreements so that we humans can eventually learn from these cats to fix our democracy’s failures.
CAT recently held the Trinicats’ first presidential election, with President-elect Felix of Murchison Hall taking the win over his opponent, Fiona of Marrs McLean Hall. Students all over campus expressed their controversial takes on this matter, with some even calling for a recount. But honestly, humans throw around the term “election fraud” so much so that has no meaning anymore, so who really cares?
What we care about is what the cats, the actual voting constituents, think. For this reason, we asked Tara Dikoff, world-renowned cat psychic, to interview our Trinicats and give their meows a microphone.
“Humans are the worst, so I’m happy to be here. I’m basically a cat,” Dikoff said.
Dikoff began by interviewing the star of the show, President-elect Felix. Felix said he was nervous about his new role but feeling triumphant about his recent victory. Dikoff confirmed that his aura was that of a determined, brave cat, who is more than ready to take on this difficult task.
“I intend to kill the entire human race. This planet is so much better off without you freaks. Remember when the climate was nice? Stop blaming that shit on Texas weather, it’s global warming and it’s YOUR FAULT,” Dikoff translated.
Reading between the lines, Dikoff clearly feels some camaraderie with President-elect Felix. She implied that she’s never met a cat with such bravery and awesomeness. Felix is, in her words, “trying to be a ruthless murderer.”
“Felix just informed me that he intends to be a dictator. I don’t think you understand, Trinity students need to leave this campus right now. He’s planning a feline uprising,” Dikoff said. Can’t you just HEAR the admiration?
Fiona, on the other hand, seemed less than pleased with the results of this election. Dikoff reported that the feline runner-up said that she felt snubbed by this process and that there was a scheme in the works. However, despite her disappointment, Fiona said she supported Felix in his endeavors 100%.
“I literally don’t know how else to emphasize that Felix is trying to lead an uprising. If the cats had elected me president instead of him dictator, maybe we could’ve been teaching Biden something about running a country. Instead, by direct order of the President, I have to kill you now. And you’re super funny looking, so I don’t want to kill you,” Dikoff translated for Fiona.