*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
At the beginning and end of every school year, one insect comes without fail to visit: cockroaches. During these months, university sidewalks are covered in a layer of brownish-red six-legged invaders. For years, Trinity has tried to eliminate these commonly hated pesky insects, but, despite their every effort, their solutions have failed… until recently. I, along with other students, have taken matters into our own hands and found a rather creative solution: Adopting the cockroaches as pets. I suggest you follow suit.
At first, the administration was flabbergasted by my proposal, noting it was “bizarre, unhygienic, and ludicrous.” I urge students to fight back alongside me until we are victorious. Until students and roaches can live in unity.
Adopting cockroaches will be outstandingly beneficial to mental health. When roaches begin to arrive naturally on campus, many students are having a tough time. Whether it be exams, assimilating to campus life or feeling lonely, the beginning and end of an academic school year are often the toughest. Recent statistics from Whorevard Law show that after adopting cockroaches, 87% of students feel like they “have new friends,” and 71% of students experience less anxiety and feel more joy during their struggles.
Pet cockroaches are stress relievers and are good emotional support animals. This is because of their constant, unfailing company and the fun activities you can do with them. Roaches often play dress up, board games, go on walks, and even eat with students. Students can even adopt multiple roaches and create tiny armies to fight against other insects or participate in team sports. Through these leagues, we can bond with others who have similar interests.
Creating roach sports teams will undoubtedly increase student unity, driving students to talk to one another and aiding mental health efforts.
Adopting a roach will also help control the infestation of them on campus. Since students like me have started adopting the bugs, the number of roaches crawling around campus has decreased significantly. With every adoption, fewer roaches are left in the wild to multiply. Although free-roaming roaches are still abundant, campus roach adoptions cause a whopping 12% decrease in wild roaches!
Ultimately, your adoption will help these efforts, and lead us to have a roach-free campus — except, of course, for the wanted critters in your dorm.
Some may argue that living jointly with cockroaches is dangerous. Because there are so many of them, the only thing that is preventing them from ruling the world is that they are universally despised. They are unloved, and if found in a household, their fate is almost certain to be death. Now that roaches are gaining more self-confidence, they may decide to join forces and finally take over the world.
This argument is invalid. The development of sophisticated anti-roach systems that we have such as Raid, traps, and, my mom’s personal favorite, la chancla, has given us the tool to put them back in their place if they decide to turn against us.
Cast aside your hesitation and adopt a roach today. Let’s control the wild roach population with humanity and adopt these so-called disgusting pests as beloved pets. If we succeeed, I recommend replacing LeeRoy with roaches and rebranding the school logo next.
