*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
As managing editor, I take full responsibility for everything that happened with my staff at the Trinibonian, except for the parts that were unavoidable, misinterpreted, and necessary. I’d like to take this time to address accusations that working for the Trinitonian is “psychologically destabilizing.” I believe these claims require important context.
I have not physically restrained anyone on staff from quitting. This is, in my view, a meaningful distinction. I have done everything in my power to foster a beautiful and loving community, including occasionally reminding staff that if they leave me, I will personally hack into their transcripts and ensure they never graduate. But, like, in a supportive way. Out of love.
I think my staff are incredible. Sometimes they’re a bit whiny, saying things like “please let me go to sleep” or “I have a midterm,” but for the most part, they’re great. Editor-in-Chief Ham Gristle and I have been loving, supportive and generous to every member of this family who performs adequately.
Journalism is not, and never will be, a low-stakes environment. After all, we are award-winning, and our student government has recognized that by giving us nearly a quarter of the funding we requested, which we have interpreted as a strong endorsement of our current methods.
I get it, this job is hard. Deadlines exist. Articles need editing. Ham and I are aware of the fact that sometimes those edits are extensive, and sometimes they occur at times that may be described as “inconvenient” or “legally concerning.” But these are not arbitrary conditions. They are educational.
The Trinibonian is Trinity’s sole journalism program. Is it not my constitutional right — nay, duty and burden — to prepare my staff for the realities of the profession? What am I supposed to do? Allow them to have boundaries? Encourage eight hours of sleep?
We are not nine-year-old babies. No one needs more than an hour-and-a-half of sleep per week, and we have a couch in the newsroom for that hour and a half anyway. In many ways, we are over-accommodating. We even pay our staff a salary, which, when measured yearly, does not necessarily violate federal minimum wage laws.
There have been concerns on Jizz about the emotional tone of the newsroom, saying it is “tense,” “chaotic,” or “like something bad is about to happen.” While I do not dispute these characterizations, I would argue that they are not inherently negative. In many cases, they are simply indicators that work is occurring.
It is also worth noting that what has been interpreted as distress may be better understood as investment. People do not become visibly overwhelmed by things they do not care about. They simply disengage. Our staff have not disengaged. If anything, they have continued to engage at increasing levels of intensity.
This passion manifests itself in tears, anger, confusion, and cult-like unity. We work as one, as a unit. Don’t worry, y’all; we’re not a dysfunctional, trauma-bonded family. Our pain brings us together. We may only half-heartedly smile at each other in the hallways — and sure, my staff goes out of their way to avoid me — but it’s just a fun game we like to play.
From a managerial standpoint, this suggests a high degree of commitment.
However, I’ve heard y’all’s concerns. I’m ever the public servant, after all. And over the last few months, I’ve conducted a highly confidential internal assessment, complete with scientific research and analysis. I’ve seen a strong positive correlation between stress and article quality. These are the articles that get the most reads online and views on Instagram. Sometimes over 73. This data cannot be ignored.
In fact, in a controlled trial conducted earlier this semester, we asked a fully rested staffer to submit an article. The result was, quite frankly, unusable. This is not the standard of excellence we uphold at the Trinibonian.
Conversely, articles produced under conditions of moderate distress, confusion, and time pressure consistently performed better. They had urgency. They had voice. They had, in many cases, a lede. It would be irresponsible not to replicate these conditions.
However, in response to feedback, we have also willingly implemented several new wellness initiatives.
Staff are now encouraged to sit down during moments of emotional overwhelm, rather than pacing. Crying remains permitted, though we ask that it be done quietly during layout. Editors have also agreed to replace the phrase “this is bullshit” with the more constructive “this is, at present, not publishable.”
In particular, I have promised to stop saying “I wish you were dead,” “I wish I was dead,” “I’ll string you up by your toes,” and “go drive into a tree.” I believe these changes reflect our ongoing commitment to growth.
That all being said, I would like to make one thing clear: Any attempts to unionize will be taken seriously and personally. I will cry, but quietly, of course, as per our new guidelines.
In closing, I stand by the work we have done and the environment we have created. Is it perfect? No. Is it comfortable? Also no. But it is effective. And if, at any point, it ceases to be, I trust that our staff will make the appropriate decision. Historically, they have not.
The Trinitonian will be back next week after a short, federally mandated wellness retreat. Disobedient staffers will be thrown into the Grand Canyon. Maybe we’ll rebrand.
