This piece is entirely satirical as a part our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian.
For years, college sports fans have tried to answer one simple question: Who’s the best? Some argue that the title should go to the school with the most sports championships, others say that it should go to the school with the best academics and a few recommend a combination of the two. To end the debate, the NCAA has created a battle-like competition unlike any other to determine the best school in the nation.
Rather than use arbitrary metrics such as “academics” or “school spirit,” the competition will be a WWE-style cage match featuring the mascots of schools from over 1,100 schools in the NCAA. The first annual “Mascot Madness” tournament will be played in a tournament bracket. Calling back to the days of old gladiatorial fights, Mascot Madness will be a duel to the death, leaving one school to claim the ultimate championship.
“I think Trinity has a good shot,” Lee Roysson, a Trinity University student said. “Since we’re bringing back a live tiger for this tournament, we should go pretty far. It’ll be an even fight when we go against schools like Clemson or LSU, but we should steamroll at least half the competition. Like, come on, the Horned Frogs? Seriously? Yeah, LeeRoy is going to destroy them.”
Other schools around the college landscape expressed excitement at the move, mainly to get bragging rights in rivalries. In a battle for superiority on and off the field, a mascot cage match could be the upper hand in determining whose school reigns supreme.
“An Aggie? What the hell is that,” asked University of Texas (UT) president Hay Jartzell, patting the nose of UT’s Mascot Bevo the Longhorn. “Bevo will run through everyone in the state. What will Red Raiders, Cougars, or Eagles do against a 600-pound bull? I don’t think we have anything to worry about until we face the Baylor Bear, but we can do it. Heck, he almost got Uga back in 2019, so really he’s been preparing for this his whole life.”
Other schools reacted less favorably to the announced contest, claiming it was unfair to inanimate or fictional mascots. Still, the NCAA has held firm in its decision, sparking controversy in the affected schools.
“You expect us to fight against a Spartan,” asked Clementine Mandarin, a Syracuse fan. “You want an orange — the sweet, tasty fruit that literally grows on a freaking tree — to try and defeat one of the most legendary soldiers in history? This tournament was rigged from the start.”
Other schools expressed similar concerns, ranging from the feasibility of creating a Sun Devil (Arizona State) to figuring out how to ethically source a live dragon (University of Alabama at Birmingham). One school, Notre Dame, came up with an exciting approach to their dilemma of having a relatively standard and nonthreatening mascot.
“The rules said that we need to send our mascot, right,” said one Notre Dame official who asked not to be named. “Well, our mascot is the ‘Fighting Irish.’ ‘Irish’ can be one Irish person or 100 Irish people. We plan to take the entirety of the population of Ireland, tell them that whichever mascot we’re fighting said that Ireland should be part of the U.K., and hope that enough of them show up to fight and essentially overwhelm the enemy. The human wave tactic should work. We must have faith.”
With Trinity’s LeeRoy expected to be one of the favorites in the Mascot Madness tournament, all eyes will be on how far he can go. His first-round matchup will be against the Oregon Duck, who he is expected to win against, with Vegas bookmakers giving him favorable odds going into the tournament. Overall, the West Virginia Mountaineers, Michigan State Spartans, and Florida State Seminoles are heavy favorites in Vegas, but some analysts have the Miami Hurricanes and the Tulane Green Wave going on a Cinderella run, wowing the crowd and writing a story for fans to remember for decades to come.
