This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
On March 24, Chapel and Spiritual Life (CSL) declared the Church of Scientology Trinity’s official religious affiliation. With the school’s commitment to secularism and religious diversity dating back to 1969, the recent change has sparked fierce debate among students.
Clementine Axel San-Wallbanger, CSL leader and university chaplain, said that a recent trip to the Church of Scientology a few blocks from campus “enlightened” him. After extensively researching and negotiating prices, he successfully convinced Vaseline Beastley, university president, to buy into the religion.
“I was driving by the building and saw they were offering free personality tests. $700 later, and I knew I had to bring the truth to Trinity,” San-Wallbanger said. “The Church was even offering a special student discount! It was impossible to turn down.”
Following the declaration, students have begun to see significant changes to Parker Chapel. Each pew now contains an E-meter, a lab-calibrated device to test one’s Thetan levels, or stages of spiritual freedom. The Chapel Cafe is also now a library for the works of Trinity’s late founder, L. Ron Hubbard, and some students even reported sightings of Tom Cruise stalking the garden late at night.
Skepty Brokerton, senior vintage-brick preservation major, has been a leader in the pushback against the renovations to the chapel. These changes have disrupted his thesis research, he said.
“My thesis is on the specific type of brick located in the chapel basement. That’s even older than this Lord Xenu or whatever San-Wallbanger said. Now, there’s a bunch of alien tanks blocking my access to swab the bricks,” Brokerton said. “Who the hell has the funds for this church anyway? Probably those stupid STEM kids with jobs. No one appreciates the arts anymore.”
Brokerton is not the only one voicing financial concerns; a crowd of students have joined his call. Luckily, Beastley told the Trinitonian that there’s nothing to worry about. The recent 5% tuition increase will be used to provide each student with a complimentary introductory guide to the religion and one session of auditing, she said.
Other students, though, are simply worried that an official religious affiliation will harm Trinity’s longstanding celebration of religious diversity. San-Wallbanger reassured the Trinitonian: All faiths are welcome under Scientology, so long as they pay their respective “difference taxes.”
Eimen Akult, sophomore extraterrestrial studies major, is claiming that the Church will bring more religious celebration. He previously felt ostracized for his beliefs on campus, Akult said, but the declaration from the chaplain made him feel seen.
“I’ve been telling everyone, and they just won’t listen! The aliens, they are real! They’re warning us,” Akult said. “I want to thank Clementine Axel for his commitment to making sure everyone’s voices are heard.”
CSL is taking incoming concerns very seriously, San-Wallbanger said, with a $50 complaint fee. In the meantime, students may bring their Tiger Card to the chapel to accept their limited-time discount, and can expect to see new required Scientology courses on Workday for the 2026 fall semester.
*This piece was updated on March 23, 2026.
