*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
That’s right, folks, you’ve heard it here first. Trinity is now allowing artificially intelligent robots to enroll at the university, Vaseline Beastley announced on March 15. Starting in fall, four seats in every course will be reserved for artificial intelligence robots, according to Beastley’s email to students and staff.
The new policy aligns with the university’s purchase of YoodleYox last year, and administrators said they aim to encourage a diverse student body. Student reactions, however, were not as optimistic. Realee Hughman, sophomore fabrics major, said she gasped in suprise when she heard the news.
“It’s great for brainstorming. It’s a great writer and editor. It’s perfect as a tool for me,” Hughman said. “But this is a step too far.”
The Unitree G1 Robotic Humanoid, Trinity’s AI model of choice, costs around $72,899 per robot (not to be confused with Trinity’s current tuition). In response, Trinity’s financial committee raised tuition from $70,000 to $100,000 for the upcoming year.
Rocky Greenhouse, senior environmental science major, was not enthusiastic about the implementation of AI students or the increased tuition, and expressed concerns about the new mandate.
“I was not able to get a class I needed to graduate because some damn clanker took my spot. It’s ridiculous. They can’t even graduate,” Greenhouse said.
In a follow-up statement to her March 15 email, Beastley emailed all students and staff on March 18, denouncing the incendiary reaction from students. She encouraged current human students to welcome AI bots as one of their own and share their “Tiger pride.”
Crash Stonks, professor of business, said he supports the university’s decision. He wants to make these new students feel welcomed on campus and thinks they will improve campus life, he said.
“I think they are just what the university needs. They don’t need any housing or food, and at the end of the day they just go to the bottom of the Bell Center to charge,” Stonks said.
Overall, Trinity’s administration hopes that the implementation of AI robots will increase class averages and, in the future, hopes to have then join their official sports teams.
