*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here.
A study on student alcohol consumption released March 25 from TU Health Services discovered that the majority of drinking on Trinity’s campus is concentrated in just one group — Trinity baseball. Through the study, the team self-reported consuming 90 percent of all alcohol drunk on campus during the 2025-26 school year.
Mythiest Whitest, senior finance major on the team, arrived at his interview smelling of body odor and wearing a vomit-stained grey T-shirt. Whitest said that the team thinks of drinking competitively, just as they think about baseball. He did not deny the study’s findings but instead defended his team’s actions.
“Don’t be mad because we’re better at drinking than you are,” Whitest said. “You guys are foids and fat chuds, and clearly don’t know how to party.”
The study was conducted through a survey sent to all Trinity students via email. Students were required to report how many drinks they consume per week, or their registration was placed on hold. While over 90% of all students reported consuming five to 10 drinks per week, members of the baseball team said they reportedly average 315 drinks per week, or 45 per day.
Ineeda Heilp, nurse at the Health Center, said she was “extremely concerned” but not surprised about the study’s findings. Heilp said she can always tell who is a member of the baseball team based on their “sallow look” and the “smell of alcohol.”
“You can see it in their eyes. They look sick. Their skin is greying; their hair is falling out. They don’t look good. Boys, you look bad,” Heilp said.
Despite these concerns, Whitest said that drinking helps baseball far more than it hurts, allowing players to meet new people and expand their circle beyond the team. When he’s sober, Whitest said he is typically intimidated by women and has to act nonchalant and be misogynistic to avoid confronting fears about his own masculinity. However, when he’s drinking, Whitest said his inhibitions about women disappear.
“I don’t even remember talking to girls the next day, but I see videos where I am loudly yelling into their faces and touching them,” Whitest said. “I’ve become a regular in the drunk tank.”
Jack Doph, sophomore business major on the team, described what a usual night of drinking looks like for him. Doph, who has never touched a woman, said that alcohol is how he and the other boys on the team bond. He described the “boys-only” parties that the baseball team likes to throw.
“It’s my favorite type of party. We start drinking at 10 a.m, and the party goes all day. By the end, most of us are naked and wrestling. It’s so fun,” Doph said.
Although he said he knows the possible consequences, Doph does not plan to stop his drinking anytime soon. In his opinion, the short-term wins outweigh the long-term consequences. Doph encouraged others to follow in his footsteps and gave tips on how to drink more for a longer period of time.
“The more you do it, the easier drinking gets. I just ignore the gross parts, like vomiting, pooping my pants, and getting arrested,” Doph said. “Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for the things that you love.”
