Trinitonian

A shitty situation?

Ranking Trinity fraternity bathrooms on aesthetic, functionality and cleanliness

Junilla Pleas, False Editor • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. With a red solo cup in hand and NLE Choppa blaring in the background, you may find yourself in a...

Finally, an exhibit for students, by students

Shartnel Scheisse creates powerful works of art through unique media

Molly K Schitt, Farts Reporter • March 25, 2026

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. If you’ve ever used the second floor bathroom of the Jim and Janet Dicke Art Building, you’ve...

Baseball or boozeball?

New study from TU Health Services indicates men’s baseball team is responsible for consuming over 90 percent of alcohol at Trinity

Beera Cuhcold, Pulse Reporter • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. A study on student alcohol consumption released March 25 from TU Health Services discovered that...

Film studies major, ‘Triniboxd’ debut encouraging Trinity film bros

Students call for film studies major at Trinity. Administration answers.

The Godmother, Onion Columnist • March 25, 2026

This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. After years of petitions, course evaluation comments and at least one Change.org campaign, Trinity...

Cockroaches are man’s new best friend

Why inviting these crawling critters into your dorm is a great decision

Sopia Garzia, Onion Columnist • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. At the beginning and end of every school year, one insect comes without fail to visit: cockroaches....

Editor on Trinibonian cancellation

Nipping your whiny-ass claims in the bud

Diva Constructor, Managing Editor • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. As managing editor, I take full responsibility for everything that happened with my staff at the...

How I met my wife on Jizz: A love story

A field guide for blind dating at Trinity based on my own wild success

Avi Roy, Onion Columnist • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. In early February, my editors gave me an assignment: go on seven dates in seven nights and write...

AI Slop or Sloppy Students?

Trinity now allows AI humanoids to enroll in classes

Cherry Garcia, Pulse Reporter • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool’s edition, the Trinibonian, here. That’s right, folks, you’ve heard it here first. Trinity is now allowing artificially intelligent...

Violas expelled from TU philharmonic?

Thank God. Cut the section. Save the orchestra and save your ears.

Benry Gang, Onion Columnist • March 25, 2026

*This piece is entirely satirical. Read the rest of our April Fool's edition, the Trinibonian, here. Alright, alright. It’s time to address the elephant in the room. Yes, I can confirm that the...

Drop the épées; It’s time to pick up a real weapon

Fencing club resorts to real swords in anticipation of the draft

Anthony Romero, Sports Reporter • March 25, 2026

If you’re going to a fencing club meeting in the coming weeks, don’t expect to pick up an épée, foil, or sabre anytime soon. The club recently announced that it will begin using actual swords in...

The Triniboners fight tooth and nail for funding

A ‘Basketball Game’ decides the fate of print journalism at Trinity

Maddy Morrow, Sports Reporter • March 25, 2026

After a back-and-forth match, the Triniboners came up with a win 26-25. The match was organized after SGA Senators were sick of hearing the Boners pleas for more money, and in honor of March Madness, suggested...

Trinity appeals to shorten length of soccer games

Tigers controversially argue for shorter games, which would award them a retroactive title

Scott Lebo, Sports Reporter/Podcast Editor • March 25, 2026

Trinity men’s soccer filed an official appeal to the NCAA Division III rules committee to shorten the length of soccer matches from 90 minutes to 89 minutes and 55 seconds. The change would retroactively...